Life Inside a Flower

I had the coolest experience today. The image came to me of being inside a rose that had not yet bloomed. I was hiding away in a secure, dark place, like being in a womb. Slowly, the bud started to open, and I could make out a little bit of the sun and sky. Gradually, more and more, I watched the petals open wider and wider, letting in more and more light. "This is me and God," I thought. Little by little, I learn how to open my heart. Then, I'm able to take in more and more of the magnificence of who He is. What's happening to me as I marvel at His presence? I'm a flower that's blooming, giving glory to Him. Little by little, learning how to open up to receive who He is, I'm becoming a gift in return. What could bring more joy to my heart?

If I were the Princess of Darkness, Here is how I would destroy the world

Behold my evil plan.

1. I will confuse everyone as much as possible. Make it absolutely wrong to call anything wrong. That way, all the people will do evil all day and not see anything wrong with it. Convince everyone that “right” and “wrong” are all based on opinions, unless you're breaking the law.
2. I will convince the world that listening to their conscience is the worst thing they can ever do, because the conscience is nothing but programming designed to screw them out of pleasure in life and a smart person wants to feel good and not suffer.
3. Are fear, guilt, shame and suffering The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse? Oh, no, not MY apocalypse. I will lull the world to sleep with happy melodies and sweet comforts. That way, they are putty in my hands. Don't think, sweet children. Don't ever feel bad. Feel good at all costs. It will cost you plenty, but it's worth it. Only help others if it makes you feel good yourself.
4. Jesus told Peter, “Get behind me, Satan,” when Peter expressed that he wanted to save Jesus from suffering. I say, Peter should have been assertive and said, “No, Jesus, I cannot let you be a masochist. Your sacrifice is needless, since human beings have never done anything wrong.”
5. Repeat after me, my sweet children, “You have never done anything wrong. You can never do anything wrong. Just don't tell anyone they are wrong, and all will be well.”
6. Do exactly what I say and you will not be responsible for any of your actions. So, you will be absolutely fine if there is some sort of cosmic “judgment,” which of course, we know will never happen, since God never judges anyone. Three things make you who you are: genes, your environment and my amazing guidance which will end all suffering in your life and make you rich, famous and successful.
7. Has everyone learned their lessons for today? Don't worry if you didn't understand it all. I will disseminate my teachings throughout international media, through television, film, magazines, popular books and the internet. You'll be bombarded thousands of times a day with opportunities to embrace the truth.
8. By the way, I really won't destroy the world. I will only destroy the things that make your world an unhappy place. People who don't agree with you. People who offend you.
9. Now, let yourself relax into sweet surrender.. to Yourself. Go ahead, everyone, become God in yourself. Feels good, huh?
10. If none of the above steps lead to my success, I will have a sex change operation to become the Prince of Evil, and try it all over again.

Seventh Mansions: God's Will United with Soul

Once again, I was continually surprised by what I read about the seventh mansions. St. Teresa describes what it is like to live in constant awareness of the union between self and God. She describes this “as if the ends of two wax candles were joined so that the light they give as one,” and also with the image of rain falling on a lake, so that one “cannot separate the water below from that which fell from the heavens.”

In what she calls the “Prayer of Union, “there is unwavering certainty of God and tranquility. The awareness of union with God never leaves. The raptures stop, except for brief occasions and even they do not cause “transportation or flights of spirit” as the soul is grounded in union with Christ. Suffering does not disturb her soul, although there are still trials and grief. St. Teresa describes the “state of forgetfulness” which feels as if the soul never existed. All that is left is “seeking the honor of God.”

St. Teresa explains an experience of feeling self as if divided at times between the Mary and Martha inside. The “Mary” part is always in praise and worship of Jesus and the “Martha” part is doing the work in the world. In the beginning, the Martha part is jealous of the Mary part, but in time, they learn to work together as one.

In the fifth mansions, St. Teresa gave us the example of the silkworm that was transformed into the white butterfly, through the cocoon of Christ. She told us that in the seventh house, we would learn where the butterfly came to rest. I was surprised to learn that the butterfly takes its rest in death. “The little butterfly dies because Christ is now its life.” The soul, so beautifully transformed by the Master in the fifth mansions has now ceased to need to be at all. Instead, St. Teresa speaks of becoming “extremely desirous of serving God,” so that nothing else now matters.

I had expected St. Teresa to talk of unending bliss and ecstasy, desiring from that point forward to lounge around like a Buddha statue. I had expected her to write about losing herself in God, or to somehow become God. She did not. She became more and more fulfilled in who she was as she became immersed with God and her will was laid to rest. Following this “death” the soul rests in eternal life, here and now.

In these chapters, St. Teresa stresses again the importance of humility throughout this process, stating, “Let whichever of you feels surest of herself fear most.” yet, when certainty that the soul is lost in Christ occurs, there can be no more fear.

St. Teresa has been a guide for me in exploring the potential of my soul. She has helped me to appreciate my experiences in life and to feel renewed purpose in living. She writes like a mother to children she cares about deeply, and that emotional presence is strong and steady. It will nurture the growth of any reader if he or she is receptive to it.

The journey has just begun. The consummation of the spiritual marriage “cannot be fulfilled properly in us during our lifetime,” she says.

St.Teresa of Avila As a Woman

This morning I began reading the chapters on the sixth mansions. There are eleven and I got through six. I've decided to wait until I finish them all before I write about them. Instead, today's blog is about St. Teresa as a woman. I'm writing about this because I've been thinking of it quite a lot through all these chapters.

The role of women during the times she wrote was very different than the roles today. Women were not allowed to teach spiritually. They were believed to be incapable of being “learned” in theology. Therefore, St. Teresa was not allowed to write authoritatively. Instead, she was only allowed to write about her experiences, in a journal format, of herself in relation to Christ. She also wrote repeatedly about how limited she believed her understanding was because she was a woman. In fact, in may ways, the whole book is a tirade of put-downs and about her womanliness and stupidity. She is even said to have often referred to herself as a “mujeralla,” or worthless little woman.

There is a slight possibility that St. Teresa wrote this way in part to save herself from the perils of the Inquisition and also the judgments of her confessors. St. Teresa once said, “Without a doubt, I'm more afraid of those who are so scared of the devil than I am of the devil himself!” However, it is much more probable that St. Teresa really believed herself to be woefully inadequate due to being a woman.

There's a great advantage in this: Unlike men who could speak and write with authority, St. Teresa is more personable in her accounts and perhaps more self-scrutinizing. She even writes at length about the difference between true rapture or ecstacy and “ordinary womanly weakness.” It is all the more troubling to me that Breuer, a colleague of Sigmund Freud, called her the “Patron Saint of Hysteria.” If he only knew the level of scrutiny both she and her superiors put her through, the low regard placed on female emotinality and the level of care she took to differentiate her states, he might be ashamed of making such an accusation. However, during Freud's time, “hysteria,” the women's illness, also belittled women and their capacities.

Because she is a woman, St. Teresa is able to speak of marriage to “His Majesty” (Christ). This marriage involves unique feminine emotions and needs. In fact, this “guidebook” she has written may speak more strongly to women than to men for this reason, although study of this book can also lend remarkable discovery to men. Did St. Teresa's view of herself as a woman at the time paradoxically lead to her message being all the more potent? God can make the best of topsy-turvy cultural beliefs sometimes, you know. The soul can grow regardless of the culture.

My boyfriend, who has read this book many times and benefited from it has noticed the difference between her description of “mansions” versus St. John of the Cross's allegory of “mountains” leading to God. Mansions are more domestic and womb-like, whereas the “mountain” imagery may be more male. Because of her femaleness, she is able to offer a unique perspective that may speak to people in different ways.

Did it matter how much St. Teresa put herself down? Why would a fully enlightened woman do such a thing? We all know you just don't do this in today's society without people thinking you are neurotic and sending you to self-esteem classes. It's almost the cardinal sin in many New Age traditions to judge yourself at all. I once attended a New Age gathering where we substituted the word “soul” for “wretch” in the song “Amazing Grace,” due to the concern that anyone might feel the slightest negativity against themselves.

It was just as bad to think well of yourself then as it is to think well of yourself now. About humility, St. Teresa wrote, “False humility constricts the soul and body, creating a dryness of spirit, while true humility is tranquil.” Apparently, viewing herself as a stupid wretch did not take away from her tranquility. Low self-esteem is just not a barrier to union with God, no matter how many workshops we attend to “fix it up.” Maybe what we refer to today as “good self esteem” isn't a barrier or a help in our spiritual process either. After reading St. Teresa's work, I just feel self-esteem and self-image in general is irrelevant to spiritual movement, although it is healthy for psychological movement and getting by in society. These are just two different things, I have come to understand.

Don't let your guru or minister become your therapist, and don't let your therapist become your spiritual adviser either. While pastoral counseling can be great, unless they are licensed pastoral therapists, go to therapists who are trained in treating mental illness. On the one hand, you have growth of the soul. On the other hand, you have needs to cope with and heal from trauma, for example. God can and does help us heal. But mix-and-match no longer works for me. I prefer Jungian therapy, as it does try to bridge the two, but I still do not consider Jung an authority on religion or a priest or minister an authority on my psyche. That's just my opinion, for what it's worth.

When St. Teresa was canonized in 1622, she was praised in the papal bull for “overcoming her female nature.” Thus, she became the very first female Doctor of the Catholic Church. What an amazing thing her female nature was, as it led her to the creation of such detailed and in-depth writings, and to such a rich and fulfilling life within herself and towards others. During a time when women were considered so much less than men, St. Teresa laid down a solid and tangible example of what fullness women (and men) can become.

Interior Castle-Fourth Mansions: Uniting with the Supernatural

I did not realize until reading the three chapters on the fourth mansions how much is happening in the third mansions. It is subtle, yet profound. Shifts of consciousness are occurring as the soul forms a new foundation-a security not in emotional or mental states, but on the unexplainable. This leads to the remarkable “flip-flop” St. Teresa describes in these chapters. Just when you thought you weren't getting anywhere and you realized it didn't matter, voila!

In these mansions, “senses gradually lose hold while the soul regains its lost control. The soul enters within itself and rises above itself” through the process of “prayer of recollection.” She writes that the soul is “united with the supernatural.” It is fitting to point out that the “supernatural” is not necessarily God or the fullness of God, but a start in this journey. These mansions of the soul are a radically different state-a very big leap!

St. Teresa writes, “Poisonous creatures seldom enter, and if they do, they prove quite harmless-in fact, they do the soul good.” At this stage, emotions and thoughts are not a threat to the experience of God and the soul “enlarges” becoming more and more loving.”Love much,” she writes, “Do then whatever arouses you to God.”She writes that the soul can be united with the supernatural “while thought stays trapped in outer mansions.” In other words, you can dwell in the fourth mansion although not all of your consciousness is there.

Through the “prayer of recollection,” she writes that the “senses and faculties” wander for days and years and come back but don't re-enter the castle because habits have been formed “that are hard to conquer.” St. Teresa says that God perceives good intention and in his mercy, pulls them back. So, there is nothing for the soul to do but trust the process at this point. She makes a point of saying that you don't have to try to cease thought. Neither does the soul feel “servile fear” as the “heart enlarges.” “Leave the soul in God's hands and resign as much as possible to the will of God.”

In these chapters, St. Teresa writes at length about definitions of spiritual experience. Her main point is that the blessings and “interior dilation” that surpass understanding that come at this stage do not occur at all through our own efforts. She describes this experience as “the greatest peace and quietness, delight.” Paradoxically, the only way this can occur is to love God without motive of self-interest and even to suffer without desire for consolation.

In the four hours I studied only these mansions this morning, I pondered and reflected on many things. I realized that I am no longer seeking bliss. I no longer want to always be happy and always in love. For the first time in my life, paradoxically, longing itself is intensely fulfilling. I don't know what I hope to accomplish or why. Today, I am very happy and I have been for some time now. But that is not why I am studying this. I'm studying this because I desire authenticity. No, I don't want to become a nun and go and live in some cloister, as St. Teresa did. Still, I can learn from her many years of very hard work how to go about my own journey.

St. Teresa writes about authentic versus “counterfeit” spiritual experiences. She also writes about the very real danger of pride at this stage. I wondered many things as I read. I wondered about souls who experience intense spiritual states who do not yet dwell in these mansions. I also wondered why a soul that arrives here would ever leave. I reflected upon the many times I've been drawn intensely inward into the “interior castle”and then pulled back out abruptly, afraid to return again.

Sometimes, traumatic experiences do this. Sometimes, pride does this. It can unravel everything. As I reflected, I began to see that it is a gift if a soul falls back to outer mansions due to pride, rather than to let it stay in the fourth mansions, corrupted. Many enter these mansions with pure hearts and somehow lose the ability to evaluate their motives. This may be why we have the Sai Babas of the world, performing “miracles” while basking in egotistical glory.

What about people, and I believe this includes most of us, who experience a taste of the supernatural when we have not yet done the work involved to dwell in the fourth mansions? Grace, perhaps, through God's favors may be the cause. Another possibility is what St. Teresa describes as the “counterfeit” experience. From St. Teresa's description of “counterfeit” experiences, I saw that these are basically a waste of time, other than the fact that they feel good. Another marker of counterfeit experience is that the soul believes it worked for it. It also does not “enlarge the heart” in a lasting way.

I believe psychedelic drugs would be an example of this. People on psychedelic drugs may realize extraordinary spiritual truths which they do not even remember when their “trip” is over. While some may actually come to believe in God through such an experience, it is not the same as is the natural extension of a life of devotion to God. Mania would be another example. I once had a profound spiritual experience while manic. I felt such bliss I could not stop crying from the waves of ecstasy and it went on and on. It was not a waste of time. I did believe I had somehow done this to myself through hard work, however and that I had become special. I do not believe my heart was enlarged. I did become happier, more productive and more successful in the time following, but this was a difference in the world and did not bring true movement towards the inner mansions. The “proof is in the pudding” as they say.

The task of the fourth mansions is to learn to differentiate supernatural states, to maintain humility and to let go and let God do His work.

Welcome!

Welcome to my blog! This blog is the account of my journeys into spiritual growth and discovery. I've written other blogs, written books, made videos. etc. that reflect my disabilities and coping with them. Most notably, these projects were related to Bipolar and Asperger's Syndrome. This is not a blog about how I am different as much as a blog about my spiritual growth as a human being, not a primary discussion of my labels. It's a blog about the emerging real me :)