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Life Inside a Flower

I had the coolest experience today. The image came to me of being inside a rose that had not yet bloomed. I was hiding away in a secure, dark place, like being in a womb. Slowly, the bud started to open, and I could make out a little bit of the sun and sky. Gradually, more and more, I watched the petals open wider and wider, letting in more and more light. "This is me and God," I thought. Little by little, I learn how to open my heart. Then, I'm able to take in more and more of the magnificence of who He is. What's happening to me as I marvel at His presence? I'm a flower that's blooming, giving glory to Him. Little by little, learning how to open up to receive who He is, I'm becoming a gift in return. What could bring more joy to my heart?

If I were the Princess of Darkness, Here is how I would destroy the world

Behold my evil plan.

1. I will confuse everyone as much as possible. Make it absolutely wrong to call anything wrong. That way, all the people will do evil all day and not see anything wrong with it. Convince everyone that “right” and “wrong” are all based on opinions, unless you're breaking the law.
2. I will convince the world that listening to their conscience is the worst thing they can ever do, because the conscience is nothing but programming designed to screw them out of pleasure in life and a smart person wants to feel good and not suffer.
3. Are fear, guilt, shame and suffering The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse? Oh, no, not MY apocalypse. I will lull the world to sleep with happy melodies and sweet comforts. That way, they are putty in my hands. Don't think, sweet children. Don't ever feel bad. Feel good at all costs. It will cost you plenty, but it's worth it. Only help others if it makes you feel good yourself.
4. Jesus told Peter, “Get behind me, Satan,” when Peter expressed that he wanted to save Jesus from suffering. I say, Peter should have been assertive and said, “No, Jesus, I cannot let you be a masochist. Your sacrifice is needless, since human beings have never done anything wrong.”
5. Repeat after me, my sweet children, “You have never done anything wrong. You can never do anything wrong. Just don't tell anyone they are wrong, and all will be well.”
6. Do exactly what I say and you will not be responsible for any of your actions. So, you will be absolutely fine if there is some sort of cosmic “judgment,” which of course, we know will never happen, since God never judges anyone. Three things make you who you are: genes, your environment and my amazing guidance which will end all suffering in your life and make you rich, famous and successful.
7. Has everyone learned their lessons for today? Don't worry if you didn't understand it all. I will disseminate my teachings throughout international media, through television, film, magazines, popular books and the internet. You'll be bombarded thousands of times a day with opportunities to embrace the truth.
8. By the way, I really won't destroy the world. I will only destroy the things that make your world an unhappy place. People who don't agree with you. People who offend you.
9. Now, let yourself relax into sweet surrender.. to Yourself. Go ahead, everyone, become God in yourself. Feels good, huh?
10. If none of the above steps lead to my success, I will have a sex change operation to become the Prince of Evil, and try it all over again.

Where are all the women philosophers?

When I was just a little girl, my father and I would discuss religion and philosophy a lot. It was my favorite thing to do with him. I was so happy when he had a free minute to delve into the secrets of the universe. One particular summer afternoon, my father became unusually excited with something I said. He went and grabbed a compilation of the works of various philosophers. He showed me the table of contents. He said, “Do you see this? Do you know what all these philosophers have in common? They're all men. There is no major, well known female philosopher of the same caliber as these. You can be the first one.” 

Of course, this is a moment I could not possibly have forgotten. My father's love, how much he believed in me, even his admiration of my childish attempts to articulate difficult things, all of this has affected me to the core. Because of his encouragement, I've continually been an avid writer who loves to write about the meaning of God and life. 

Today, during mass, a flash of realization came to me. The reason for the “lack” of women philosophers is because they are mostly Catholic saints. Authors with a primarily Catholic focus are often avoided like the plague by protestant readers. I have never known a protestant who would be “caught dead” reading the writings of a pope, although so many of them have doctorates in philosophy as well as theology and many are philosophical geniuses. I have a 700 page copy of “The Theology of the Body” by Blessed Pope Paul II at home to attest to that. I read it sometimes to refresh my mind of concepts long forgotten and not well understood. 

Regardless of what I have come to consider bias, St. Teresa of Avila, St. Catherine of Sienna, and St. Hildegard of Bingen (my father's current favorite) are all theological and philosophical geniuses. They have earned the title “Doctor of the Church.” Those who bemoan the “sad fate of women” who are unable to become priests in the Catholic tradition may not have considered the tens of thousands of priests for the past 2000 years of church history who did NOT earn the title of “Doctor of the Church.” 

Certainly, this is an example of the equal value the Church gives to the sexes. The Church is female by her very nature. Therefore, having males as protectors and spouses to her makes sense. In today's world, sexes (now almost exclusively called genders) are becoming more and more blurred every day. Many people think this is a wonderful thing and there are lots of churches in the world that they may want to be a part of, but the Catholic Church does seek to preserve the original “man and woman created He them” condition of the humans he originally created. I love the sense of preserving an increasingly lost integrity of the concept of men and women.

I am proud to be a female and a philosopher in the sense of a “lover of knowledge.” I was inspired to write about this topic because this is the saint day of St. Teresa Benedicta (also known as Edith Stein), whose great heart in providing comfort and spiritual help for many starving to death in concentration camps is better known than her amazing philosophical mind. Today's homily reminded me of my father's words to me, back when I was a wide-eyed child in elementary school. Of course, I doubt I will become a “great” woman philosopher, but I will never stop seeking to know and live the truth. And I am proud to be a member of a Church that values what I most love to do above all else.

Mother and Baby: Who Cares Anymore?

When I was a little girl, I wanted more than anything to grow up to be a mother. I had a baby doll I pushed in a carriage. I dreamed about having a house full of kids. I think I was about eight years old when I told my mother, “When I grow up, I want to have a baby.” My mother said, “No, honey, you don't want that. You want a PhD. Your PhD is your baby. A PhD is far more rewarding.”

I stared at her, confused. So, thinking through this logic in my mind, her PhD was more important to her than me. Of course it was. That's why she spent all her time studying for it and ignoring me. On the positive side, my mother wanted me to grow up to be an intellectual achiever. On the negative side, she had no idea how those words would impact my belief that I was not wanted or valued by her. I'm glad she did give birth to me, though.

I was raised by two pro-life democrats. Yes, they do exist, in greater numbers than either Republicans or Democrats think. The value of unborn life was a value I always took for granted and never really thought about much. The first time I really thought about it, I was sixteen and a friend of mine, whom I'll call Betsy, thought she was pregnant. We went to a crisis pregnancy center (CPC) so she would get a free test. While the worker there was reading the test, we were shown a video on the miracle of life. I was transfixed, amazed at the wonder of how human life grows. Betsy groaned. “I can't believe we came here,” she said, “These people are trying to get me to believe that a fetus is a human and take away my right to do what I want with my body. Let's get out of here.”

We left quickly after finding out her test was negative. I asked Betsy more questions. She told me to read books by feminists like Gloria Steinem. I read that and more and found out a lot about Betsy's point of view. I wondered if she could be right. Because I was from a liberal democrat family, so were almost all my friends, and all of them but me were pro-choice. As I grew up more and more of my friends were having abortions. Two in particular had five and six abortions each. Having an abortion was nothing to them, but just having “a bunch of cells” removed. No concern seemed to cross their minds at all. At some point of time, I believed the “cell story” too.

I'm very lucky I did not get pregnant in my teen years or twenties. I didn't need a man. I was a free and independent woman. Nobody should tell me what to do. Marriage? That's a piece of paper.

I lived in a heavily abortion-minded climate. I would tell my friends, “I can't have an abortion myself, because I'm not sure when the soul enters the body. If I'm not sure, how can I take even a little risk of murder?” Yet because I wanted people to like me, I would also say, “Since we don't know, I guess you're free to take the risk if you want.” Of course, I never judged anyone for having an abortion. I still don't think a woman who has gone through with it is someone to be condemned. Most women choose abortion in a state of panic and often under pressure by family. More than half of abortions are due to the fear of not having financial resources to care for the child.

Add to that how little most women know about fetal development. I really believed that for the first two months, all that's in the uterus is a clump of undifferentiated cells. People told me if I went to a crisis pregnancy center, people would lie and try to show me that a baby was in there. I didn't realize I could just pick up a biology textbook and see that at only three weeks after implantation, there's a heart in there that begins to beat. By eight weeks, every organ in the body is there in the uterus. No, you won't hear that at Planned Parenthood, because they don't want to disturb you. But, they will tell you CPC's lie when the materials they are teaching from are either written by medical doctors or come straight out of biology text books.

I got pregnant for the first time when I was 36. I was not married and my boyfriend had just thrown me out and changed all the locks on the doors. He thought I was lying when I said I was pregnant. I stayed with a friend who watched me take three pregnancy tests and she took all three of them to my boyfriend. He said, “So what?”

I really wanted that baby. I wanted the baby so much I cried when I was pregnant. A child was all I ever wanted. I remembered my parents said they both cried when they found out my mom was pregnant, but they had really good stable jobs and owned a house. What did I have? Absolutely nothing to offer this baby. Yet, I wanted it more than anything in the world.

I left California to stay with my dad in Georgia. Yet, on the way to Georgia, passing through Louisiana, I started bleeding heavily. I went to an emergency room and took another pregnancy test. No more baby. I could die. When I got to Georgia, I saw what I'd lost. A job, relationship and home in California. A future baby. And with the loss of contact with a new age group, I realized it was a very convincing sham of spirituality. My disillusion was pretty total, my depression pretty deep.

I tried to rebuild my life so I could have a home and family, yet everything I tried to do failed. In 2009, I moved to Eugene, Oregon to try to start over, age forty. My life seemed to lose more meaning every day. When I re-discovered God and a church family, I was prostate by the weight of a life not lived as I had ever wanted. I came back to the solace and strength I had gone to in my young teen years, the Catholic Church.

To make a long blog shorter, my life is rich in meaning and purpose today. I am deeply happy. I volunteer in a Crisis Pregnancy Center now, and yes, I do want to save babies. I also want to help make life easier for mothers, so they won't feel the overwhelming need to abort. Sometimes, I still get weepy when I put together layettes with all the cute little baby clothes, because I wish they could be for a baby of my own, but I'm so glad to be doing something for any baby, especially a baby that might not have ever been.

I don't see our culture valuing motherhood very much anymore. I don't see it much looking at the lives of celebrities or in movies or television shows. My own mother didn't value it much. My inborn desire to be a mother was stifled quite a lot. Yet, I will be forty-four in about five months, and the one thing I wish I'd been able to do was to marry and create a stable home for a child.

Most people know that the Catholic Church makes saving the lives of the unborn a very high priority. It's easy to see from whence that sentiment stems. How can anyone look at paintings or sculptures of Mary with baby Jesus and not contemplate her safe, sacred womb and the violence of invading that sanctuary with a blade?

When I hear woman say it's not a decision to be taken lightly, I wonder, why? If there's any chance in their mind it might be murder, where is the decision in that? I know, I know, there are atheists in this country who don't believe in a soul. Why should they care about when or if a baby is aborted? I also know I've said every word I just said to women who have said, “So what. It's my body!”

I used to ask women why it is that when you are two months pregnant and you want to be, you say, “My baby is growing,” but if you are two months pregnant and don't want to be, you say “The fetus needs to come out,” just as if it were an appendix. Women used to look at me, stumped. But recently, I read an article by a woman bragging about this very thing, about how free she was that she could call the contents of her uterus anything she wants, baby, fetus, whatever. I shook my head. No hope, I thought. No one will ever listen.

The war over abortion is ugly. I have become the enemy in many people's minds. I have crossed demarcation lines and have become a traitor. Some will not even post on my Facebook page or read my posts. Perhaps I think they're evil villains for what they've done in the past. Of course I don't. Abortion is murder, but none of the women I've know who had abortions consciously intended to commit murder. Most of them were badly deceived. Abby Johnson, an ex-Planned Parenthood director who is now pro-life, says that overwhelmingly, the most common question women ask on their way to the surgery room, while they are groggy from medications, is, “Will my baby feel pain?”

Deep down, perhaps they know the truth. Deeper down, perhaps it's way to painful to face.

Source:

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/prenatal-care/PR00112/

(Note: Their week numbering is based on the whole cycle of pregnancy and the first two weeks are called "getting ready." So, week three of implantation is their week six.)

Learning the The Way Autistics Process Religious Beliefs

A study released last September showed that individuals with HFA (High Functioning Autism, including Asperger's Syndrome type) are more prone to be atheists. This study, from Boston University, sought to measure religious belief systems most prevalent in our population.

One of the correlations predicted from the literature (that was later confirmed in the study) was that because people with autism are primarily concrete and literal thinkers, problems arise with understanding parables and metaphors in religious text. I concur that this is partially the case with me. I draw a blank over many Biblical texts I read. Not a small blank. A big one. I can see how it would be easy for a lot of people on the spectrum to just give up in frustration. However, there are many ways around this. Because I work hard at understanding metaphorical text, I do eventually understand. Religious commentary helps. I have a friend with a degree in religion who can explain some things to me, although it often takes more time. I do best when a priest or minister begins with the concrete and slowly builds up to the metaphorical. I am so happy when I can follow the homily and I cherish how I can learn from it on deeper levels.

People may wonder why I spend so much time studying theological literature. I cannot stand not to “get” something, and it takes me longer to grasp it. By the time I grasp it, I understand the subject matter in far deeper detail than someone who grasped the concept immediately. My approach is the only approach I can use if I want to comprehend what I am hearing.

In other words, the neurotypical approach to religion doesn't work. I'm a contemplative. I like to just mull upon words, images, emotions, interactions. I love to just stay with a few verses of scripture or a sacred mystery and just soak it all in. It's candy. I'm a fish in water. I find that symbolism is wonderful and I especially like finding patterns in what I'm learning and reading. Catholicism just happens to be full of pattern after pattern that fits neatly into the one before. Taken from that angle, I can eventually grasp parables. I love poetry and poetry is about that. I just reach within my heart and jot down what images come up and what emotions are present and a few minutes later, I find that I have a complete metaphorical thought. It just happens.

Returning to the Boston study, the researchers also predicted that people on the autism spectrum would be drawn to rigid, doctrinal religions if they were drawn to religion at all. Autistic people crave structure, sameness, predictability. Ambiguity can lead to meltdowns for us. Why is this? I really don't know completely. My guess is that when life is so incredibly intense, sensorily, emotionally, socially, we don't have that much energy left over to “piddle around” with nuances of moral pondering. No, when that much intensity is going on, we need anchoring and grounding and it's well known that most autistics love rules, although that doesn't mean we're always sweet and compliant. Sometimes, we stubbornly set our own rigid rules and refuse to follow those in authority, but we always have a rule mindset. I don't even need to elucidate how Catholicism is great for helping with this.

Researchers also predicted that autistics would have problems with “supernatural” concepts and would appreciate a socially welcoming community, since we have problems navigating social situations and often have anxiety because of it. For me, “supernatural” concepts are not problematic. I've always believed in God and never questioned His existence. I think I got this from my dad, because he's the same way. Growing up with God being a fact makes the whole concept easier to take in. Also, I learned to pray to God as a person from a young age. I don't know if that has an impact on other autistics on the spectrum though.

I've always remembered reading in one of Dr. Temple Grandin's books that as she worked in the cattle industry, seeing that moment when a cow was a living, breathing animal and in the next moment (after quick slaughter) an immediate piece of meat was hard for her to understand. I know what she's talking about. Death itself is a “supernatural” concept to me.

As far as the social problems and anxiety go- big time. I needed unbelievable assurance that I was okay, that I belonged, that I would not be rejected and that I would not be looked down on. Luckily for me, teachers and priests were reliably able to encourage, support and nurture my growth. Also luckily for me, my conversion story was featured on the front page of the diocesan newspaper, and that helped me let go of a lot more anxiety. Still, I wish I didn't feel I need that kind of reassurance.

So, what were the overall results of the Boston research study? I did mention that atheism was the largest group (26%), followed by agnosticism (17%). Only 16% of autistics were able to embrace Christian beliefs. All others studied (around 40%) had their “own construction” of God. In other words, they came to their own conclusions and followed their own private revelations of what God is to them. In the neurotypical (non-autistic) control group, atheism was at 17% and agnosticism at 10%. Christianity was at 38% and “own construction” at only 6%. Understandable. People with autism are highly creative and innovative. It's been said we have to dance to our own drummer because we cannot hear the music (social information) everyone else is listening to.

Because I am a Christian, I would like to see religious organizations and churches learn how autistics think and process religious information. In doing so, outreach to this population can be far easier. For example, beginning with the concrete, literal and visual and slowly building up to the allegorical and metaphorical works best. Depending on level of functioning, this may take varied amounts of instruction. I also would like to see churches take a different approach to teaching religion. So many autistics are creative, powerful visualizers. Any sort of approach involving creative imagination or guided imagery could be immensely helpful. The main reason I've been able to integrate Christianity this time around in my life is that I've been using lots and lots of contemplative visualization.

Added note:

I would also like to note that I feel a weakness in the test was that the test instruments were influenced and built upon the concepts of Simon Baron-Cohen. His views are controversial now in the autism community. His “Systemizing Quotient” seems to apply far more to autistic males than females. His views of “theory of mind” and his “zero empathy” theory of autism are also being questioned and challenged a lot now.

Reference:
http://csjarchive.cogsci.rpi.edu/proceedings/2011/papers/0782/paper0782.pdf

Health Care, Freedom and Conscience

I'm writing this blog about something most people don't care about and some have not even heard of. I ask that you have an open mind about the perspective I'm about to share. Most people don't understand the issue and/or they have dismissed it as unimportant. I hope you will be different.

I am presenting an issue important to both conservatives and liberals, to Christians, Buddhists and Pagans. This issue crosses all political and religious lines, because religious freedom is important to us all. A great many people have heard that the issue at hand is about birth control and abortion. It's really not. The issue is about whether a person or organization should pay for things that strongly go against their conscience. Atheists out there, how would you feel about having to pay for Bibles? Orthodox Jews, do you want to be forced to offer pork in your shops or pay a tax because you don't sell pork? You may say this can never happen to you. How do you know that once a precedent is set, it can't happen to you? A regulation under the “Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act” which some call “Obama-care” could open the door to make this happen. It's called the HHS Mandate.

Economic Ethics drives this issue. The goal of opposing this mandate is that people very opposed to an activity shouldn't have to pay for it. Any time a person pays a premium, co-pay or deductible, they will be partially paying for birth control and abortifacients and sterilization. Companies and organizations will be forced to offer this service, even if they believe it is gravely immoral.

So, most of you may say, “Who cares? That's dumb anyway.” I was with you, before I understood the issue. I won't lie. I now believe that life begins at conception and that using birth control that will prevent that embryo from implanting flushes away a life that was meant to happen or it wouldn't have been created. Do you have to agree? No, you don't. Can you believe I am an absolute loony to believe such a thing? Yes, by all means. Can you classify me as old-fashioned, too traditional, and a general stick-in-the-mud, square sort of person? Sure, why not!

I don't care how you view me, but don't try to take away my rights. The Amish are old fashioned and many think their ways are kind of nuts, but does the government force them to buy cars? I have a right to be weird and hokey.

One misunderstanding I've seen floating around the internet is that people who oppose the HHS mandate are trying to take away rights to birth control, abortifacients and sterilization. This could not be further from the truth. People in America have a right to these services by law. People who work for an employer who doesn't cover these things are still free to purchase insurance coverage or services elsewhere. In addition, birth control is both ubiquitous and free in many clinics already.

The HHS mandate has rightly been called a “sleeper issue,” meaning an issue that will be ignored until it causes Obama to lose the election. Many wrongly believe that Catholics don't agree with the Church's position and won't oppose the mandate. Wrong. Even Catholics I know who do use birth control are nervous about this threat to freedom. I see stats floating around that over 90% of Catholics use birth control. These stats are wrong because they are interviewing lapsed and inactive Catholics. The vast majority of practicing Catholics do not use birth control. Yet, overall, agree or not, right or wrong, their faith is critical to most practicing Catholics, who are influenced by their bishops.

And, it's not just us. The list of groups opposing the HHS mandate is quite long. Evangelical Protestants, Orthodox Jews and Catholics are opposed. Also some secularists are opposed on the logical grounds that freedom is threatened. Where are the Buddhists on this issue? My Tibetan Buddhist friend told me abortion is against her religion. If the current government wants support for the healthcare plan, they will never get it by treating religious groups like dirt. Further, HHS shows disregard for women by forcing them to purchase birth control/abortifacieant products against their will, whether they want it or not. Is this fair?

I'm not sure about the other organizations, but since I'm Catholic, I know this: The Catholic Church won't just swallow her position and go on. No, if need be, all Catholic hospitals, clinics and schools will close. I heard a woman on a radio call-in show say, “I think the Catholics should stay out of the hospital business and just handle their worship business.” The hospital business IS our worship business. In fact, the Catholic Church innovated the first hospitals shortly following the Council of Nicea in 325 AD. With the exception of a few scattered examples of primitive hospitals from 252-325, the first major hospital undertaking was largely a Byzantine Christian effort, as hospitals were added onto most churches and cathedrals. Serving the sick and poor has always been a core priority for the Catholic faith, and service IS our worship.

Under the “exceptions” of the new mandate, if a church organization hires only church members and serves only church members, it may be exempt from paying for birth control and abortifacients. What church wants to do that? What church with a conscience CAN do that? Someone comes in with a gunshot wound and a nurse has to act if they're Catholic or Evangelical before they can save their life? To use a colloquial expression, we are being “blown off.” Blown off my the government, blown off by the general public. No one really cares about us. If this precedent is set, who will care about you?

Will you help us support opposing the HHS Mandate?
Petition Here-(Against HHS Regulation ONLY, not entire health care plan.)

Note: Articles are circulating all over the web that Plan B and Ella are not abortifacients.
This is not conclusive. Read what the Mayo Clinic has to say here.

Who is Mary, Anyway?

I have been on a quest to understand the Blessed Virgin Mary. I felt compelled to research this because the concept absolutely dumbfounded me. When I become both fascinated and confused, I also tend to get a bit obsessed. At the moment, I'm reaching some clarity, so I thought I'd share a bit of the insights I have gained with you.

I come from a protestant background. More specifically, I grew up in a heavily fundamentalist climate, although my own parents were moderate Baptists. I attended youth group, choir and other activities. I remember a slide presentation I saw once in chapel. We were shown pictures from Mexico of statues of the Virgin Mary. The Baptist missionary from Mexico who led the presentation shared with us, with a very sad and sincere face, that there were no Christians in Mexico, because everyone worshiped these statues. I too, felt sad.

Later in life, I immersed myself in a New Age background. The Blessed Virgin Mary was presented to me as a “goddess.” However, at the same time, Jesus was presented to me as a “face” or “mask” of God, like many other masks and manifestations, such as Mohammed and Krishna and the Buddha. I was told, however, that humans could become gods and that Jesus was an example of one who achieved that goal, joining the pantheon of gods along with Zeus, Athena and others. So, the Blessed Virgin was said to be a goddess, but Jesus was not thought to be uniquely God, but one among many. I did not realize at that time how this type of thinking is equally skewed.

I tend to be an extremist. Everything I do tends toward the hard-core. So, I have swung to both far ends of the spiritual pendulum and many bizarre places in between. If Jesus is not a god among gods and Mary is not a goddess at all, where then is the truth? The answer is nothing most people would actually think of unless they read a lot of seemingly obscure medieval texts and depth theology. And why do that? Why the interest? In the process of becoming Catholic, I paid a lot of attention to people sharing with me about Mary. Mary was part of our curriculum. Still, I did not understand anything whatsoever about her. I knew what they said, but I didn't know if what they said made sense. But now it does.

What I learned throughout my study so far can be summarized this way: Mary surrendered all she is and all she does to God, for His glory. Because her soul "magnifies the Lord,” Mary has become, for many people, a means to see Jesus, who is the way. Mary reflects light from God so we can see Jesus, the Way.

Mary is not, as I was taught, as a Baptist, a false “way” to God, someone to whom only seriously misled people would pray to as the “way” to God, instead of Jesus. Jesus is “the way, the truth and the life” and no one goes to Heaven except through Him, just as the gospels say. Once again, Mary is not “the way.” When I realized that, I knew with certainty that I was not committing idolatry to ask Mary to pray for me to grow closer to Christ.

Mary is a human being, as fully human as you and me. She is not a goddess in any way. Mary willingly  serves as a feminine vessel that God moves through unimpeded and at full strength. She is not like us, who are limited to earth and constantly throwing obstacles of pride and ego in the way of God's will. Because she is a vessel, like a channel, prayers directed to Mary are directed immediately to God because that is Mary's main purpose for existing. I look at Mary as a way to view God through the perceptual lens of the feminine. I find this very helpful because I am a woman. Mary is a model of humble surrender for men and for women, but it is easier for me to follow her example than that of Jesus, because she is female, like me.

I've been going to the meeting/retreat days for the secular carmelites, because I am an aspirant for the Secular Order of Discalced Carmelites. Last Saturday, I sang some new hymns I had not heard before. One of them was, “Mary the Dawn.” Some of the words of that prayer are “Mary the gate, Christ the heavenly way.” As I hear those words, I imagine a path with an open gate, and that is Mary, always open to God. She is our example and a way of finding  the way. She is viewed as a beacon light over the ocean in the hymn “Ave Maris Stella,” or “Mary, Star of the Sea.” She is a beacon, a light to move towards as we seek to reach Christ.

Mary is in no way the “way to the way,” as this would be ridiculous. Her parents would be the “way to the way to the way” and so on, infinitum. Mary is instead an optional way to contemplate and receive God's way. St. Louis de Montfort is an expert in explaining the many benefits of following the way of Jesus with Mary's help. In fact, he believes Mary's intervention is the best way to worship Christ. I'm leaning towards that point of view and as I read, the depth and dimensionality of Mary's relationship to Jesus is awe-inspiring to contemplate. Today, the memorial of the Immaculate Heart of Mary, I am beginning a process of preparing for consecration to Jesus, through Mary. If this is idolatry, so is going to Jesus through listening to your minister. After all, just as God can enter your heart through the words of your minister, God chose to enter the world through Mary.

Mary is content to be a human forever, and one through whom our Lord may pass without obstruction, and through perfect expression. None of us are going to become gods, ever. We are born to be creatures forever. We can become perfect and glorified creatures, like Mary and the saints, but only God is God. I know that might sound like a drag to some of you, and it sounded like a drag to Lucifer too, so he is working hard to become a “god” and to encourage others to do so too. Jesus is the only God who has ever or will ever walk the earth. If a person is a member of another religion and they experience Jesus' love without knowing or realizing his name, that is the same thing as going through Jesus as the way, and they can be saved and reach heaven. However, the other gods they pray to (although they do not know they are false gods) are not God.

In all ways, Mary magnifies the Lord. I hope one day, my soul will magnify the Lord, so that people will see the way to Christ through me. Amen.


Footnote :)
I've only been Catholic for two months now, so if my catechism is off, let me know either here or by email. Thanks!

Total Freedom

It seems everywhere we look in self-help, spiritual and metaphysical sections of bookstores, authors have come out with their own distinct methods and ways to improve our lives, heal our souls and make our dreams come true. The paths generally involve a numbered list, such as four or twelve steps. Sometimes, the first letters of each word form an acronym, or they all start with the same letter, to make them easy to remember. Regardless of format, a sort of “promise” accompanies the text. If you, the reader, will faithfully do “x,y and z,” “a,b and c” will happen. A cause and effect relationship is proposed by the author and that is what sells you, the reader, in your decision to purchase the book.

What do you think would happen if someone suggested that you do “x,y and z,”you may or may not receive anything at all? What if they told you the reward was in the asking? What if they also told you that through following their suggestions, you may likely suffer more, not less, but that through this suffering, you will unite with an aspect of God who suffers, and that this union will bring you boundless peace? Crazy, you'd probably say.

 After all, everybody knows there are a zillion methods to instant happiness, from the $20 book in the bookstore to the $400 retreat weekend. You will be told all the love you need is within yourself, that you are perfect, that you have never done anything wrong and that you can be like God or even become a god. You may also be told you will gain great wealth and “abundance” through their methods. Unlimited freedom, peace and joy will be yours. I once attended lots of workshops like this.

Once, I paid $250 monthly for a four hour workshop that met once a month. The workshop was worth a lot because of the “very holy woman” who would guide us. Now, in the beginning of most forms of meditative practice, people strive for purity or to cleanse themselves from that which would impede the meditation experience. Traditionally, in Buddhist and Christian practice, effort is made by people to free themselves from selfish instincts which impede man from following the will of God. However, for this group, I was told to thoroughly cleanse myself of “judgments” before the monthly meeting.

 Let's take a look at this objectively: Traditional religious practice focuses on using judgment to free the souls from selfishness which keeps the individuals tied to their own limited, mortal abilities. In the practices of the workshop I attended, we were told to effectively silence the conscience and begin to let selfish desires and instincts run wild. I was even told on a separate retreat experience the catch phrase that, “Our feelings are integrity.” So, the goal of such spiritual practice was to let instincts run “free” of judgment to impede them. “Total freedom” is supposed to be possible through this experience.

From a Christian perspective, passions aren't negative. However, being controlled by passions is anything but freedom. The key word here is “controlled.” How free are we when under control of our passions, just as the “enlightened” animals and babies that have no “judgment” yet? I'd wager that a baby isn't quite free. Operating on instinct as the brain develops, the infant's presence naturally brings much joy to adults. Yet, we (hopefully) grow up to learn to master instinctual impulses.

Some teachers from that tradition do stress the mastery of mind and emotion, but it is always geared towards reaching a goal the individual wants, such as to “manifest” a personal fortune, get a new car or the lover of their dreams. St. Thomas Aquinas listed four distractions on the way to finding truth: fame, fortune, power and pleasure. That's because they are not goals of real spiritual life. In order to be “free to carry out the will of God and to share in the freedom of the Holy Spirit,” profound renunciation of selfishness is required.

Choice of spiritual practice boils down to one thing: Are you looking for something lasting, enduring and reliable? Or would you rather chase down each quick and easy fad that promises you your version of Heaven on Earth? “Thy kingdom come. Thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven.” Notice, in this part of the prayer that God's kingdom comes to earth through following God's will, not our own.

Would it be your will to be nailed to a cross? No, and for Jesus, fully human, crucifixion wasn't that appealing either. However, because Jesus is also fully God, he surrendered His human will selflessly to the greater good for all mankind. People forget Jesus united his human will to God's will. People forget that Jesus knew ahead of time he would be crucified. He also did not fight it, although he stayed up all night “sweating blood” as He contemplated the time to come. To me, the death of Jesus proclaims how pain has no power over the disciplined soul. We can still choose to be loving in the midst of it. Inversely, pleasure also has no power over the disciplined soul. A special state of “detachment” occurs with purification of selfish instincts.

Jesus did not promise His disciples new cars (or camels) and exotic vacations and He did not take them for Himself. To do that would only distract from the priceless treasure He offered. Jesus does not promise us we will be happy. He does not promise we will be rich and always healthy. In the “myths,” there is only one who makes such promises to his followers, and that is in exchange for their very souls. Yes, you can join the cult of self-worship. You can pretend Christianity is all about fear. But, deep down, you know it can't be reduced to that.

Christianity is about freedom, but not always about feeling good. If you want to pick and choose beliefs based on what resonates, feels good, and is what you feel drawn to and like, know that you may not like the real truth. Like it or not, it will set you free. Free to know what it feels like to really learn to love as Jesus did. Even learning about Jesus is free. Don't be afraid to explore it.

Why Join One of the Least Popular Religions in the World

Why join one of the least popular religions in the world? Besides Islam, there is probably no more misunderstood religion in the world today. Catholicism is often viewed as intolerant, when in actuality she stands for compassion more than anything else.

Growing up Baptist, I learned so many myths about Catholicism that I can barely count them. It's a miracle I was open enough to this faith to see what it had to offer me. These are the gifts I have received this year:

(1) Nothing else makes Christianity real for me, so I can experience it with all my senses and feel myself connected to Jesus in a true relationship. The beautiful, timeless visuals, sacred music, Catholic prayer that helps me feel as if I'm seeing and hearing Jesus speak through the Bible and my heart make Him as real to me as death and taxes.

(2) Nothing else has taught me how suffering can be sanctified and how we can work in union with it, rather than against it, so that suffering loses its power. This jewel of awareness is amazing for getting through tough times.

(3) Nothing else has helped me be fully accountable and honest with myself. Beyond genes and environment, there really is free will. With no one there to say, "Don't beat yourself up," or "don't judge yourself. You did the best you could," I can now face judgment without fear, using guilt as a tool to freedom. Hey, it works for me! Before, I was just repressing my conscience with "not judging" and that could never feel authentic for me. All the work I've done through the years to build self-esteem? No longer important. Good thing, because it really didn't work anyway. I'm now aware of how precious I am to God and I want to offer my gifts and talents in service to him. So, I am very happy with me.

(4) Nothing else has anchored Christianity in a greater philosophical, historical and cultural depth. My mind, emotions and soul can all resonate with treasuring the tradition that preserves the early Church. Many protestants do not trust that the Church has preserved this tradition, but I have come over time to believe that they do. Reading the works of the early church fathers of the first century can show you what I'm talking about.

(5) I can see, not only how my own life ran off track, but how humanity as a whole has become lost. I am able to question the social and cultural "wisdom" that makes up our modern world. For example, are we being edgy and revolutionary to assert the precepts of the sexual revolution? Actually, no. Everyone is doing it. Look around. The question is, "Who is examining their beliefs about doing it?"

(6) The Buddhist tradition and Catholic tradition both produce saints. Both are old religions and both stress learning constraint against worldly pleasures and offer a productive approach to suffering. When people throw together a hodge-podge of ideas and claim to be speaking from the "heart of all spiritual traditions," watch out. At best, they are talking about love, although it will be ambiguously defined. At worst, they are offering a superficial understanding of the many religious traditions in order to further their ego or profit based agenda. I go with the tested, tried and true. Catholicism it is!

(7) There is no "safety" in leaving the world of moral relativism. In fact, it is an act of bravery and a surrender of will. The Christian Way of "dying to yourself daily" is not for the faint-hearted. The rewards are in the development of comfort within the deep, inexplicable mystery that is God. When I am accused of "sheep mentality," I wonder if the person talking to me has done a sanity check.

(8) Prior to coming to the Catholic Church, I had learned to view myself as God (new age concept) or I viewed gurus as gods. Unlike what I was taught as a Baptist, there is no idolatry in the Catholic Church. Rather, there is a very deep reverence for the one true God. I learned that Mary and the saints are not worshiped and adored, but venerated. Huge difference. Yes, I can pray to them but only asking their help to deepen my relationship with Christ. It's like having a conversation with a loved one at their grave. Great tool- support network even beyond the grave.

(9) Prior to coming to the Catholic faith, I was taught that my relationship with myself and God is all that matters, so why have a priest? My problem with this was wondering how to tell how much of the conversation really came from God, and how much just echoed opinions or was not truly from Him. In my classes, I learned how wisdom and discernment come from grace, and although grace is a free gift, it is difficult to receive it when you're not open to it due to sin. Learning to identify and release sin through forgiveness clears the channel. A priest helps a lot with that. The release I've felt through going through this process is profound. This is a peace that is deep to the core and unlike anything I felt in any other "spirituality."

(10) I've been able to learn far more about the Bible than I did as a Baptist. Baptist preachers choose what verses or sections of the Bible to preach about, and since some sections are more popular than others, I never heard certain parts of the gospels until I was at mass. Some of what I have heard is really hard stuff. I could hardly believe it was in there and I definitely needed help to grasp it. Every section of the Bible is studied and read in sequence at mass. We have a reading from the old testament, psalms, gospel and new testament at every mass. Every three years, almost the entire Bible has been covered. I never learned so much in my life.

In Response to Freedom from Religion Foundation's Ad

I have created my own "ad" in response to the ad recently published in the New York Times by the "Freedom From Religion Foundation," in which Catholics are ridiculed and intentions misunderstood in a self-described attempt to "drive Catholics away from Church."

Original ad is here:
http://www.creativeminorityreport.com/2012/03/nyt-ad-quit-catholic-church.html

My new ad:

(the cartoon)

(the whole flyer)

The text says:

Will it be personal responsibility, or more of the selfish irresponsibility we have increasingly seen over the past 100 years? Do you hold sacred human life or pursuing your own sexual agenda, even if it results in the death of embryos (via the pill and IUD preventing implantation) or the death of infants in development in what should be the safe and sacred mother's womb? Which side are you on?

In light of the Freedom from Religious Foundation's ad declaring war against human life for the convenience of unbridled expression of human sexuality...

Why are you aiding and abetting the voices of a social movement that has repeatedly engaged in a crusade against the protection of human life that the Catholic Church has sworn to protect? To support an organization that considers “women's health” the ability to remove their own children from their bodies for any whim? Deliberate slander of the Catholic faith should no more be encouraged than anti-semitism.

If you imagine you can challenge this social movement- get it to respect the fact that since science does not know when the human soul enters a person, they are taking the risk of murder-- you are deluding yourself because that movement is dedicated to protecting its right to “sexual freedom” so strongly that consideration of moral issues is closed off from the mind.

By remaining a “good Catholic,” you embrace a long tradition of finding freedom through the practice of unselfish love and concern for all life.

Why put up with such a social movement that threatens to pull you away from what you know to be true? NFP is as effective as the pill when practiced properly. Abstinence is also possible, despite continual messages of the world that it is not possible or desirable.

Most importantly, the right not to finance the irresponsible sex lives and potential loss of human life inherent in birth control is a fundamental religious right.

The Church is more welcoming than they are, for they hope to
nurture you in your ability to love, forgive and live unselfishly.

Stop the lies. Hold fast to your faith.

Yours Truly,
A Catholic Convert Who Once Believed the Lies

Does religion have any purpose?

How easily I wrote off religion! Everyone knows it only gave guilt, fear, suffering and "sheep mentality" to the world. Who in their right mind would be drawn to it?

Me. When all else failed. I found out when you plug in those "negative emotions" where they fit, only then can the experience of humanity be made sacred. Where do these negative emotions fit? Generally, they go where and when things aren't good for me.

Along with lots of people, I thought sex was the answer to all my problems. After all, I had been taught in psychology and even from a few therapists I had, that sexual repression made people neurotic. Although repression could cause far more problems than sublimation, I had too many empty experiences trying to work all that out.

I wonder how it is that the rate of mental illness has mushroomed (along with the divorce rate) since the great "sexual revolution". People want their own freedom first, at all costs, regardless of how others are affected. Many of these people will quip that they aren't responsible for how others feel. Others will quip that their true freedom comes through sharing their love with others. Does that extend to difficult times of suffering or will the other person be dismissed since you believe suffering isn't healthy?

I've been where they are. I've defended a lot of selfish decisions. I had felt trapped in my life and I wanted to be free. I did just that. I became much more confident and successful in my life. When my idea of "success" collapsed, it was hard to find meaning. I kept being told that I could gain "personal power" and become all I ever wanted by believing in my "divine nature."

Had I not felt desperate, I wouldn't have stayed with this thinking as long as I did. Deep down, I remembered the story of the Garden of Eden and how the serpent told our original parents they would "be as gods". Deep down, I knew that making myself my own god was a type of idolatry. When I wasn't trying to become as God, I was idolizing gurus. Finally, I collapsed with guilt from it all.

My gurus would have cautioned me not to judge myself and to stop being a victim, through guilt, but if I had done that, I would have denied myself the greatest realization of my life.

After a five year period of re-examining these things, it became apparent to me that I had a desire to explore what Jesus had to offer. I learned more about contemplative prayer, lectio divina, and a Jesuit technique of visualizing yourself in the life of Jesus. I started reading scripture and saw how superficial my understanding had been before.

I had thought I could draw from the universal root of all religions, love, but I didn't have the best example available of how to live that love. Christianity began to make love concrete and real- not an airy bliss but a solid foundation for my life. All other attempts at such "foundations" had failed. I used to believe my spiritual teachers could act as clear or clearer mirrors for me, but Jesus is the clearest mirror there is. He's the only one safe to be trusted.

Everything he did in life was to give to me and you. He didn't help us for material profit. He taught us how to sanctify suffering, not to avoid it. Yes, even suffering can be sacred. Through this, I've learned more meaningful ways to view emotions I once avoided.

Seeking God can take many faces and phases. I don't believe if you don't agree with me you're going to hell. I only wanted to share my story.

Reflections on the Cloud of Unknowing, #2

One facet of the Cloud of Unknowing that strikes me most is the anonymous author's clarity. Although he uses some expressions incomprehensible to the mind, such as how God is "nothing and nowhere," and he often speaks of paradoxes, on matters of faith he is resonatingly clear.

In my reading over the past few days, I find myself excited by the questions he posits. I write each word of the questions down, contemplating them in anticipation of the answer. The answer surprises me and brings immediate lucidity to my soul.

The truth doesn't have to confuse. Confusing the mind does not help one abandon the mind. Jesus sought to clarify, rather than confuse, with his parables. The absolute genius of the parables of Jesus lies in how we are shown the paradoxes we believe about every day life, without our even realizing they are paradoxes.

From the point of grasping the principle through the metaphoricaly imagery, somehow we grasp a deeper truth than may be explained with logic or reason. The parable of the prodigal son contains the paradox of being undeserving and yet receiving abundant reward. Another example is of the mustard seed, tinier than other seeds, which grows into a large and powerful tree.

Have you ever thought about how many paradoxes you believe every day and take for granted? What about how the sun appears to rise and set, but you also know it isn't really doing that? How about the way an electron can be either or a particle or a wave, depending on whether you are observing it or not? We don't understand these things, yet we do not question that they are.

It is possible to speak the truth with clarity and also on the level that only your soul, beyond the mere mind, is able to grasp it. Anonymous, through the Cloud of Unknowing, has helped me see the purpose of reason and its best uses. This was a welcome relief to the way I saw reason before, as something unneeded and just to be discarded in the spiritual journey.

Make no mistake, Anonymous stridently recommends that we throw everything imaginable into the "Cloud of Unknowing," and that includes good and bad, sinful and virtuous thought. However, his approach is to gradually guide his reader to this end, making sure a firm foundation is built first of pure motives and love without selfish aims. I understood for the first time who I am in relation to God, what grace is and what it takes to experience union with God.

I had come from a previous tradition that was just too convoluted and confusing for me to build up my relationship with God, which is why the structure fell apart in the end. My understanding and practice of what it means to be fulfilled have shifted towards a more productive process. I'm learning to simplify thoughts and experience their new potency.

"Motivated by a strong desire to reduce themselves to nothing, they will have a strong desire that God be all." -Anonymous, from The Cloud of Unknowing

The Cloud of Unknowing: Reflections #1

This morning, I began my study of The Cloud of Unknowing, a work by an Anonymous author in about the fourteenth century. Uneducated about such things, I had previously believed that meditating directly on God without thought was an Eastern practice that Christians had adopted in fairly modern times. To see how far back this tradition is in the Christian tradition surprised me.

As I learned from St.Teresa of Avila, humility and desire for God are the two essential ingredients for any form of spiritual growth and fulfillment. Silencing thought is not, for St.Teresa did not attempt to do it, although it was the essential byproduct of her practice. St.Teresa was able to have many experiences completely unfathomable and unexplainable to others. Anonymous writes that what is required for contemplative prayer is "sincere and humble blind stirrings of love,"because “he is complete and can fill every longing.”

The “cloud of unknowing” is the absence of knowing between us and God. He recommends that we place all of our knowledge, good and bad, into the Cloud of Forgetting beneath us. St.Teresa writes how in the end, she naturally reached a point where she forgot herself. In the practice taught by Anonymous, this goal is sought secondarily to the foundations of humility and desire.

Anonymous describes three kinds of prayer: action, reflection (which includes both remorse and gratitude) and relating to the “cloud of unknowing.” He at first calls these “higher and lower” prayer. But then states, paradoxically that the highest is also the lowest. When I was following new Age practices and teachings, I also learned to meditate without thinking. It was amazing. But, here I am, starting over with my spiritual journey, wondering if I'm ready.

My first thought was that I'm not ready for this “higher prayer” because the lower is so fulfilling now. But, as I examined motives, I realized avoidance was based on fear. Specifically, the fear has been of misusing motives. Although I was urged to examine motives before, to avoid ego snags, that did not include avoiding self-indulgence as a motive. Whether I misconstrued these teachings or whether they did not include this is a mystery today. Regardless, Anonymous encourages using a “Naked Intent,” a beautiful way of describing purity of heart and will aligned to God's will.

When I began meditative prayer a few weeks ago, it was because James Finley's book, Christian Meditation, showed me the way. An example given was of meditating on just one verse. I chose the beatitude, “Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God.” As I had heard this in the past, I thought, “Hey, good. I'll see him. I know my heart is pure!” As I meditated much more deeply over a series of many days, I realized this could not be further from the truth. Instead of this being discouraging, it was to me the best realization ever. Was I seeing God all the time? Uh, no. So, uh, is my heart pure? Uh.. no.

I do not know if my intent is “naked.” Humility also is a puzzle. Every time I contemplate it, I get the same result. “No, not humble,” comes the verdict from my conscience. Fortunately, I read that St.Teresa grappled with this every day, to the end. We will just never be humble or pure enough. So, that is a good thing to realize, since thinking we've achieved it destroys the process of achieving it.It's the examination of the conscience that brings satisfaction if we look at it this way. As we always work on it, we're doing our best and that is all we can do at any given moment. Because of this, if we approach it this way, that would mean doing our best.

If we wait until we are “ready” to practice higher prayer (how Anonymous refers to “meditation,”) we will be waiting for Godot. Thanks to my reading, at least now I understand what the foundations are and what methods may help.

“Let whichever of you feels surest of herself fear most.” -St.Teresa of Avila

Seventh Mansions: God's Will United with Soul

Once again, I was continually surprised by what I read about the seventh mansions. St. Teresa describes what it is like to live in constant awareness of the union between self and God. She describes this “as if the ends of two wax candles were joined so that the light they give as one,” and also with the image of rain falling on a lake, so that one “cannot separate the water below from that which fell from the heavens.”

In what she calls the “Prayer of Union, “there is unwavering certainty of God and tranquility. The awareness of union with God never leaves. The raptures stop, except for brief occasions and even they do not cause “transportation or flights of spirit” as the soul is grounded in union with Christ. Suffering does not disturb her soul, although there are still trials and grief. St. Teresa describes the “state of forgetfulness” which feels as if the soul never existed. All that is left is “seeking the honor of God.”

St. Teresa explains an experience of feeling self as if divided at times between the Mary and Martha inside. The “Mary” part is always in praise and worship of Jesus and the “Martha” part is doing the work in the world. In the beginning, the Martha part is jealous of the Mary part, but in time, they learn to work together as one.

In the fifth mansions, St. Teresa gave us the example of the silkworm that was transformed into the white butterfly, through the cocoon of Christ. She told us that in the seventh house, we would learn where the butterfly came to rest. I was surprised to learn that the butterfly takes its rest in death. “The little butterfly dies because Christ is now its life.” The soul, so beautifully transformed by the Master in the fifth mansions has now ceased to need to be at all. Instead, St. Teresa speaks of becoming “extremely desirous of serving God,” so that nothing else now matters.

I had expected St. Teresa to talk of unending bliss and ecstasy, desiring from that point forward to lounge around like a Buddha statue. I had expected her to write about losing herself in God, or to somehow become God. She did not. She became more and more fulfilled in who she was as she became immersed with God and her will was laid to rest. Following this “death” the soul rests in eternal life, here and now.

In these chapters, St. Teresa stresses again the importance of humility throughout this process, stating, “Let whichever of you feels surest of herself fear most.” yet, when certainty that the soul is lost in Christ occurs, there can be no more fear.

St. Teresa has been a guide for me in exploring the potential of my soul. She has helped me to appreciate my experiences in life and to feel renewed purpose in living. She writes like a mother to children she cares about deeply, and that emotional presence is strong and steady. It will nurture the growth of any reader if he or she is receptive to it.

The journey has just begun. The consummation of the spiritual marriage “cannot be fulfilled properly in us during our lifetime,” she says.

Sixth Mansions: The Desire That Consumes the Will

“I spent almost twenty years on this stormy sea, falling and rising and bobbing again between the world's attractions and God.” -St. Teresa of Avila

It could be said that for St. Teresa, life really began at forty. For almost twenty years, she struggled against desires for the world versus desires for God. A natural extravert, a girl described as “vain and vivacious” and “beautiful and she knew it,” St. Teresa went against her nature for a very long time. After age forty, her unusual experiences and ecstasies began. It could be said that she entered the seventh mansions at some point in her forties.

Shortly after, St. Teresa became a prioress and began founding Carmelite convents all over Spain. To do this, she fell back on her natural extroversion that had not ultimately been repressed all those years, but transformed. St. Teresa conducted business and dealt with a wide variety of complex social situations in a most skillful way, while maintaining the gifts of her profound inner journey.

However, she spent twenty years of her life berating herself for “worldly desires.” Now, it is not a bad thing, from my perspective, to desire worldly things. What matters most, however, is fulfillment from within. During the time St. Teresa lived, desires of the world were viewed differently. As a result, St. Teresa was in an environment that encouraged her to channel all of her desire upon union with God.

St. Teresa writes all sort of amazing things in these chapters. They are truly awe-inspiring. As amazing as her transformation was in the sixth mansions, it certainly wasn't all “fun and games.” Reading her work, I began to see the disillusionment I've had with my life at midlife as a true blessing. A few years back, I gave up on my goals in the world. I didn't get the home and family I wanted or the career I wanted. I felt like a failure in life.

Then I realized I could still accomplish one thing- to grow as near to God as I am capable in this lifetime. I've felt fulfilled ever since, not feeling I am “settling” for less in life, but deeply full within that divine connection. St. Teresa has taught me to realize what a gift my life has been, because God has brought about perfect circumstances to draw me near.

I feel blessed that I abandoned my previous “spiritual path” five years ago, because it wasn't for me. Towards the end, the dreams and meditation visions I had were nightmarish. I had to stop because it just felt incredibly wrong at the core of my being. For five years after, I was spiritually shut down, afraid to reach out again. This set me out on a path to approach the Christian mystics with a very open mind and more humility, based on my mistakes of the past. My past experiences have also helped me to appreciate each little thing so much more. As of today and reading these chapters, I feel unbelievably blessed.

The sixth mansions deal with spiritual matters of extreme emotional intensity. St. Teresa writes of visions, locutions, ecstacies and raptures. She writes of the death of the will, which is so intense one feels the body is also dying. She writes of deep, anguished suffering and grief because she cannot experience all that is God or give back nearly enough in response to the gifts given to her through grace. Although no one's spiritual journey will follow the exact pattern hers had, St. Teresa writes a thorough guidebook for anyone who might have some of these experiences, helping them to determine their authenticity, meaning and purpose. St. Teresa was gifted with an extraordinary range of them, so she had considerable experience.

However, these chapters are not about sensationalizing these, but rather celebrating all emotions, from grief to joy, with an immense desire to feel the entire human experience. There is but one over-riding theme: Dissolution of personal will through the deep intensification of desire for God. In fact, upon reading this, I now believe there is but one essential ingredient on the spiritual journey, which is relentless desire for God. Previously, I believed judgment of self and others was the most important thing, but it is not. All consuming desire is the key that unlocks the Kingdom of God.

Of course, with my background in psychology, I considered bipolar disorder as an explanation for St. Teresa's experiences. However, as I read through carefully, I discovered some essential differences between bipolar and the spiritual process of St. Teresa. The experiences she shares are described as “fleeting” and she feels deep peace and calm in between these “episodes.” By fleeting, she means, like a lightning flash or an emotional experience lasting just a few hours. These experiences occurred at a late stage of spiritual development. She was in her forties and had no history of these behaviors before. These experiences also went away in time. In addition, the theme of it all was quite the opposite of what is seen in mania. There is no self-aggrandizement but instead, a sense of the “burning away” of the self.

I am bipolar and bipolar disorder tore my life to shreds. Bipolar didn't build my character or make me more loving. For a time, I stopped psychiatric medications because I believed I had kundalini rather than bipolar disorder. However, my bipolar began in adolescence and was inherited from my grandmother, quite unlike the experience of St. Teresa. Still, I stopped my medication because I believed that if I took it, it would disrupt my spiritual process. When I couldn't take anymore of the life destruction caused by bipolar, I began to take it again. I believe now that no medication can stop God from manifesting. He's too powerful. He's manifesting for me now while I'm on medications and I'm still clinically stable. I don't know what I would do were I to go through what St. Teresa did. I would be even more skeptical of it all than she was, for the sake of my psychological health.

St. Teresa's transformation is not for the weak of heart. She is more courageous than any woman I have known or heard of. St. Teresa writes that there comes a point when God locks all the doors to the previous mansions and opens only the door leading to the seventh, where he dwells. As I read tomorrow, I will discover what happens when this occurs. Until then, I will share some favorite quotes from these chapters below:

"Oh, what blessed madness, sisters! If only God would give it to us all."

(through desire)“Life becomes sheer, though delectable torture.”

“Tears are the water which comes from Heaven.”

“Joy makes the soul so forgetful of itself and of everything that it is conscious of nothing, and able to speak of nothing, save of that which proceeds from it's joy-Namely, the praises of God.”

“The devil gives praises and delights which seem to be spiritual, but he cannot unite pain and great pain with tranquility and joy. Desire following this is no fear of suffering, but determination to suffer if need be.”

St.Teresa of Avila As a Woman

This morning I began reading the chapters on the sixth mansions. There are eleven and I got through six. I've decided to wait until I finish them all before I write about them. Instead, today's blog is about St. Teresa as a woman. I'm writing about this because I've been thinking of it quite a lot through all these chapters.

The role of women during the times she wrote was very different than the roles today. Women were not allowed to teach spiritually. They were believed to be incapable of being “learned” in theology. Therefore, St. Teresa was not allowed to write authoritatively. Instead, she was only allowed to write about her experiences, in a journal format, of herself in relation to Christ. She also wrote repeatedly about how limited she believed her understanding was because she was a woman. In fact, in may ways, the whole book is a tirade of put-downs and about her womanliness and stupidity. She is even said to have often referred to herself as a “mujeralla,” or worthless little woman.

There is a slight possibility that St. Teresa wrote this way in part to save herself from the perils of the Inquisition and also the judgments of her confessors. St. Teresa once said, “Without a doubt, I'm more afraid of those who are so scared of the devil than I am of the devil himself!” However, it is much more probable that St. Teresa really believed herself to be woefully inadequate due to being a woman.

There's a great advantage in this: Unlike men who could speak and write with authority, St. Teresa is more personable in her accounts and perhaps more self-scrutinizing. She even writes at length about the difference between true rapture or ecstacy and “ordinary womanly weakness.” It is all the more troubling to me that Breuer, a colleague of Sigmund Freud, called her the “Patron Saint of Hysteria.” If he only knew the level of scrutiny both she and her superiors put her through, the low regard placed on female emotinality and the level of care she took to differentiate her states, he might be ashamed of making such an accusation. However, during Freud's time, “hysteria,” the women's illness, also belittled women and their capacities.

Because she is a woman, St. Teresa is able to speak of marriage to “His Majesty” (Christ). This marriage involves unique feminine emotions and needs. In fact, this “guidebook” she has written may speak more strongly to women than to men for this reason, although study of this book can also lend remarkable discovery to men. Did St. Teresa's view of herself as a woman at the time paradoxically lead to her message being all the more potent? God can make the best of topsy-turvy cultural beliefs sometimes, you know. The soul can grow regardless of the culture.

My boyfriend, who has read this book many times and benefited from it has noticed the difference between her description of “mansions” versus St. John of the Cross's allegory of “mountains” leading to God. Mansions are more domestic and womb-like, whereas the “mountain” imagery may be more male. Because of her femaleness, she is able to offer a unique perspective that may speak to people in different ways.

Did it matter how much St. Teresa put herself down? Why would a fully enlightened woman do such a thing? We all know you just don't do this in today's society without people thinking you are neurotic and sending you to self-esteem classes. It's almost the cardinal sin in many New Age traditions to judge yourself at all. I once attended a New Age gathering where we substituted the word “soul” for “wretch” in the song “Amazing Grace,” due to the concern that anyone might feel the slightest negativity against themselves.

It was just as bad to think well of yourself then as it is to think well of yourself now. About humility, St. Teresa wrote, “False humility constricts the soul and body, creating a dryness of spirit, while true humility is tranquil.” Apparently, viewing herself as a stupid wretch did not take away from her tranquility. Low self-esteem is just not a barrier to union with God, no matter how many workshops we attend to “fix it up.” Maybe what we refer to today as “good self esteem” isn't a barrier or a help in our spiritual process either. After reading St. Teresa's work, I just feel self-esteem and self-image in general is irrelevant to spiritual movement, although it is healthy for psychological movement and getting by in society. These are just two different things, I have come to understand.

Don't let your guru or minister become your therapist, and don't let your therapist become your spiritual adviser either. While pastoral counseling can be great, unless they are licensed pastoral therapists, go to therapists who are trained in treating mental illness. On the one hand, you have growth of the soul. On the other hand, you have needs to cope with and heal from trauma, for example. God can and does help us heal. But mix-and-match no longer works for me. I prefer Jungian therapy, as it does try to bridge the two, but I still do not consider Jung an authority on religion or a priest or minister an authority on my psyche. That's just my opinion, for what it's worth.

When St. Teresa was canonized in 1622, she was praised in the papal bull for “overcoming her female nature.” Thus, she became the very first female Doctor of the Catholic Church. What an amazing thing her female nature was, as it led her to the creation of such detailed and in-depth writings, and to such a rich and fulfilling life within herself and towards others. During a time when women were considered so much less than men, St. Teresa laid down a solid and tangible example of what fullness women (and men) can become.

Interior Castle: Fifth Mansions-Union with God

I woke up at 6:30 am this morning, eager to see what could exist in the fifth mansions. I've only been allowing myself to tackle one level of the mansions at a time, and I've found just that is a huge chunk for me to understand, reflect on and integrate in my own way. Groggily, I opened the book, wondering what could possibly top the fourth mansions, since that was mind-blowing. The fifth mansions actually are about union with God, so I ate that up like candy. Now I'm perplexed because I had previously thought union with God was the ultimate goal of it all. Now, I'm even more intrigued with what comes next, but I won't look yet.

Let me share with you what I was able to read this morning. Strangely (to me) St. Teresa said that the majority of her nuns were able to get inside, but that few were able to attain all things in these mansions and move forward from them. This fullfillment of the "riches, treasures and delights" of the fifth mansion, she emphasized, must come from God's granting, not of any specific work towards the goal. In fact, she states "if we endeavor to attain it, we are following our will and not the will of God." The more I read, the more I wanted to attain the sights of the treasures in this mansion. Then I wondered what I desired more, the enjoyment and fun or God. God is not a Wii or a Playstation, after all.

No, it is not all fun and games in these mansions. There is a very unique grief, the grief shared with Christ. I never thought about this before, but Jesus grieved. I suppose I think of God as having no emotions, but being beyond them. But, he desires union with us. When a soul reaches this state, she is often overwhelmed with grief for all who cannot experience it. She grieves for all the ways her actions may have made God sad and for how others actions have made God sad. She even asserts that he may have been so very sad about these things that it gave Him more grief than the Passion. What a thought!

Thinking of and feeling for and with others is a very strong facet of life in these mansions. An entire chapter is dedicated to loving one's neighbor. St. Teresa also says, "and if anyone told me after reaching this state he enjoyed continual rest and joy, I should say that he has not reached it at all, but that he had only got as far as the previous mansions."

Once again, it had never occured to me that in union with God, we might feel the emotions of Christ. I believed it was all "happy happy joy joy," to quote Ren and Stimpy. St. Teresa writes that there are still "crosses to bear," and that that in the fifth mansion, one experiences "peace to a very high degree." Trials are met with serenity and trials bring peace and contentment. However, union with God is not all happy feelings, as I've thought and been told for years by New Age teachers. Why would I choose to follow her and not them? She has no motive to mislead. It is laughable to think she was in this for money or fame.

St.Teresa says that when you are in union with God, it is with absolute certainty. This does not mean you shouldn't question it. Always question motives. But, when you experience this, there will be no way to convince yourself it isn't absolutely real. Now, I have felt absolutely certain of things and then doubted them years later. So, I wondered about this. St.Teresa wrote this book fifteen years after she entered the fourth mansions for the first time. In those fifteen years, and far beyond the writing of this book, she continued to grow and develop, as she said we always should. "Love is not idle," she says.

Within these chapters, St.Teresa writes a beautiful parable of a silkworm developing into a white butterfly. The cocoon is Christ, in which she is transformed. She notes that the worm is doing no work to transform. It spins and falls asleep. Christ is doing the work. She calls this, "a deep state of prayer, deead to the world." Throughout this chapter, she writes about what she calls a "death of delight." Of course, she never uses the word "ego," but will. I believe "will" is more descriptive. We surrender our will and let God do His work.

A common occurrence during the time St.Teresa lived was for a nun to "swoon" and then become completely immobile for several hours or a day. The nun appeared dead, completely undistractible or responsive, still, yet not asleep, with eyes either open or closed. The soul was in a state beyond the body during this time, experiencing sensations and revelations far beyond what the bodily senses can fathom. Still, are these revelations real? St.Teresa says the soul is doubtful until it gains a great deal of experience. Imagination, dreaming, God, the devil.. there are so many things it may be. Yet, this state for some was a beginning phase of entering Divine Union. The "swooning" is a symbol of the death of the will.

Where will the butterfly go after it has emerged from the cocoon? St.Teresa leaves this as a mystery for now. She says that for this period, in this castle, the butterfly does not rest but flits constantly about doing God's work. It will rest somewhere she will not yet reveal in the seventh mansions.

What a ride this book is taking me on! I can't wait to read more tomorrow.

Interior Castle-Fourth Mansions: Uniting with the Supernatural

I did not realize until reading the three chapters on the fourth mansions how much is happening in the third mansions. It is subtle, yet profound. Shifts of consciousness are occurring as the soul forms a new foundation-a security not in emotional or mental states, but on the unexplainable. This leads to the remarkable “flip-flop” St. Teresa describes in these chapters. Just when you thought you weren't getting anywhere and you realized it didn't matter, voila!

In these mansions, “senses gradually lose hold while the soul regains its lost control. The soul enters within itself and rises above itself” through the process of “prayer of recollection.” She writes that the soul is “united with the supernatural.” It is fitting to point out that the “supernatural” is not necessarily God or the fullness of God, but a start in this journey. These mansions of the soul are a radically different state-a very big leap!

St. Teresa writes, “Poisonous creatures seldom enter, and if they do, they prove quite harmless-in fact, they do the soul good.” At this stage, emotions and thoughts are not a threat to the experience of God and the soul “enlarges” becoming more and more loving.”Love much,” she writes, “Do then whatever arouses you to God.”She writes that the soul can be united with the supernatural “while thought stays trapped in outer mansions.” In other words, you can dwell in the fourth mansion although not all of your consciousness is there.

Through the “prayer of recollection,” she writes that the “senses and faculties” wander for days and years and come back but don't re-enter the castle because habits have been formed “that are hard to conquer.” St. Teresa says that God perceives good intention and in his mercy, pulls them back. So, there is nothing for the soul to do but trust the process at this point. She makes a point of saying that you don't have to try to cease thought. Neither does the soul feel “servile fear” as the “heart enlarges.” “Leave the soul in God's hands and resign as much as possible to the will of God.”

In these chapters, St. Teresa writes at length about definitions of spiritual experience. Her main point is that the blessings and “interior dilation” that surpass understanding that come at this stage do not occur at all through our own efforts. She describes this experience as “the greatest peace and quietness, delight.” Paradoxically, the only way this can occur is to love God without motive of self-interest and even to suffer without desire for consolation.

In the four hours I studied only these mansions this morning, I pondered and reflected on many things. I realized that I am no longer seeking bliss. I no longer want to always be happy and always in love. For the first time in my life, paradoxically, longing itself is intensely fulfilling. I don't know what I hope to accomplish or why. Today, I am very happy and I have been for some time now. But that is not why I am studying this. I'm studying this because I desire authenticity. No, I don't want to become a nun and go and live in some cloister, as St. Teresa did. Still, I can learn from her many years of very hard work how to go about my own journey.

St. Teresa writes about authentic versus “counterfeit” spiritual experiences. She also writes about the very real danger of pride at this stage. I wondered many things as I read. I wondered about souls who experience intense spiritual states who do not yet dwell in these mansions. I also wondered why a soul that arrives here would ever leave. I reflected upon the many times I've been drawn intensely inward into the “interior castle”and then pulled back out abruptly, afraid to return again.

Sometimes, traumatic experiences do this. Sometimes, pride does this. It can unravel everything. As I reflected, I began to see that it is a gift if a soul falls back to outer mansions due to pride, rather than to let it stay in the fourth mansions, corrupted. Many enter these mansions with pure hearts and somehow lose the ability to evaluate their motives. This may be why we have the Sai Babas of the world, performing “miracles” while basking in egotistical glory.

What about people, and I believe this includes most of us, who experience a taste of the supernatural when we have not yet done the work involved to dwell in the fourth mansions? Grace, perhaps, through God's favors may be the cause. Another possibility is what St. Teresa describes as the “counterfeit” experience. From St. Teresa's description of “counterfeit” experiences, I saw that these are basically a waste of time, other than the fact that they feel good. Another marker of counterfeit experience is that the soul believes it worked for it. It also does not “enlarge the heart” in a lasting way.

I believe psychedelic drugs would be an example of this. People on psychedelic drugs may realize extraordinary spiritual truths which they do not even remember when their “trip” is over. While some may actually come to believe in God through such an experience, it is not the same as is the natural extension of a life of devotion to God. Mania would be another example. I once had a profound spiritual experience while manic. I felt such bliss I could not stop crying from the waves of ecstasy and it went on and on. It was not a waste of time. I did believe I had somehow done this to myself through hard work, however and that I had become special. I do not believe my heart was enlarged. I did become happier, more productive and more successful in the time following, but this was a difference in the world and did not bring true movement towards the inner mansions. The “proof is in the pudding” as they say.

The task of the fourth mansions is to learn to differentiate supernatural states, to maintain humility and to let go and let God do His work.

St. Teresa of Avila's Third Mansions-Detachment and Transition

No chapters have been more difficult for me than St. Teresa of Avila's writing about the third mansions. These chapters are less “cut and dried,” contain almost no imagery, and St. Teresa makes several digressions from the main topic. In addition, the teachings were confusing to me because it went so far against my suppositions about spirituality and of what I have been taught about fear. Therefore, I read very carefully many times over and reflected more than usual on each section to achieve a sense of clarity.

She begins by referring back to the first two mansions, discussing, “how good it is to walk in fear.” This “threw me” because I have long believed that to be spiritual is to avoid fear and fear-based thinking. However, I began to see the role and place for fear in the early work. I'm not sure it can be avoided anyway, for a beginner in contemplative prayer and meditation. So, it was reassuring that the fear can indeed be a friend and guide.

In the same early chapter, St. Teresa writes, “Let us leave our reason and our fears in His hands and let us forget the weakness of our nature which is apt to cause us much worry.” Because of this, I believe the third mansions are a transitional stage, one in which we are moving away from the need for fear in our journey. St. Teresa writes that occasionally during this time of transition we sometimes experience consolation. This is “when he occasionally invites up to see what is happening in the other mansions so that we may prepare to enter them.”

Stranger still, she describes who we can learn from. She says, "Select a man completely disillusioned with the things of this world." For me, this was beautiful, as I reflected on my own disillusionment at times. We can look ahead to the stories of fulfillment and peace from they who have been disillusioned and continued onward to reap rewards.

St. Teresa writes about how detachment is learned at this stage. There is commonly much frustration and restlessness “for they cannot do as they would like to do and control their feelings all at once.” In addition to this frustration, St. Teresa writes about “aridity” in prayer, which is a dry, parched feeling that feels unfulfilling. During this time, she suggests that we “not focus on our weakness,” but build our sense of inner security in God with or without consolation. From our past fear and defensiveness comes security, although the fear initially serves a good purpose.

St. Teresa has written The Interior Castle about her own experience as well as the experiences she has observed in her developing nuns, whose growth she nurtured. I felt distrustful of these passages, and continued to feel perplexed. Part of this was because I had previously read, Teresa of Avila-Progress of a Soul, a biography by Cathleen Medwick. In this book, I read how St. Teresa regularly fell into ecstacies, of which both Teresa and the Church were skeptical and they wondered if came from a demonic source. Other nuns reportedly witnessed her levitate while in prayer on certain occasions. Josef Breuer, a colleague of Sigmund Freud, referred to her as the “patron saint of hysteria.”

How odd it struck me that someone like this would spend so many years plodding so soberly through these first three difficult mansions! Clearly, as I have read this outline of the spiritual journey, I realized it was not about what we call the “woo-woo” experiences of spirituality today. Sometimes, I reflect on her experiences in these first three mansions, and they look anguishingly boring and difficult. She does not suggest we “meditate on love” or try to make ourselves feel good. It's an undertaking of steel commitment. I thought about Breuer and wondered just how deeply he had studied St. Teresa before coming to his conclusion. As I reflected on these things, I was assured by how how much I can trust St. Teresa. This realization is on my own accord, and not of external confirmation, such as how she became the first female “Doctor of the Church” in history.

Thus, my perspective was changed. I began to pray, as St. Teresa did: “The happiness we should pray for is the complete security of the blessed.” In learning to detach from fear and desire, and to focus on patience on our process, for so long as it shall take, we begin to find security in that which is beyond good feelings, negative feelings or the lack of feelings. Through allowing ourselves to be tested as we grow in this security, the doors begin to open to the fourth mansions.