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Life Inside a Flower

I had the coolest experience today. The image came to me of being inside a rose that had not yet bloomed. I was hiding away in a secure, dark place, like being in a womb. Slowly, the bud started to open, and I could make out a little bit of the sun and sky. Gradually, more and more, I watched the petals open wider and wider, letting in more and more light. "This is me and God," I thought. Little by little, I learn how to open my heart. Then, I'm able to take in more and more of the magnificence of who He is. What's happening to me as I marvel at His presence? I'm a flower that's blooming, giving glory to Him. Little by little, learning how to open up to receive who He is, I'm becoming a gift in return. What could bring more joy to my heart?

If I were the Princess of Darkness, Here is how I would destroy the world

Behold my evil plan.

1. I will confuse everyone as much as possible. Make it absolutely wrong to call anything wrong. That way, all the people will do evil all day and not see anything wrong with it. Convince everyone that “right” and “wrong” are all based on opinions, unless you're breaking the law.
2. I will convince the world that listening to their conscience is the worst thing they can ever do, because the conscience is nothing but programming designed to screw them out of pleasure in life and a smart person wants to feel good and not suffer.
3. Are fear, guilt, shame and suffering The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse? Oh, no, not MY apocalypse. I will lull the world to sleep with happy melodies and sweet comforts. That way, they are putty in my hands. Don't think, sweet children. Don't ever feel bad. Feel good at all costs. It will cost you plenty, but it's worth it. Only help others if it makes you feel good yourself.
4. Jesus told Peter, “Get behind me, Satan,” when Peter expressed that he wanted to save Jesus from suffering. I say, Peter should have been assertive and said, “No, Jesus, I cannot let you be a masochist. Your sacrifice is needless, since human beings have never done anything wrong.”
5. Repeat after me, my sweet children, “You have never done anything wrong. You can never do anything wrong. Just don't tell anyone they are wrong, and all will be well.”
6. Do exactly what I say and you will not be responsible for any of your actions. So, you will be absolutely fine if there is some sort of cosmic “judgment,” which of course, we know will never happen, since God never judges anyone. Three things make you who you are: genes, your environment and my amazing guidance which will end all suffering in your life and make you rich, famous and successful.
7. Has everyone learned their lessons for today? Don't worry if you didn't understand it all. I will disseminate my teachings throughout international media, through television, film, magazines, popular books and the internet. You'll be bombarded thousands of times a day with opportunities to embrace the truth.
8. By the way, I really won't destroy the world. I will only destroy the things that make your world an unhappy place. People who don't agree with you. People who offend you.
9. Now, let yourself relax into sweet surrender.. to Yourself. Go ahead, everyone, become God in yourself. Feels good, huh?
10. If none of the above steps lead to my success, I will have a sex change operation to become the Prince of Evil, and try it all over again.

Where are all the women philosophers?

When I was just a little girl, my father and I would discuss religion and philosophy a lot. It was my favorite thing to do with him. I was so happy when he had a free minute to delve into the secrets of the universe. One particular summer afternoon, my father became unusually excited with something I said. He went and grabbed a compilation of the works of various philosophers. He showed me the table of contents. He said, “Do you see this? Do you know what all these philosophers have in common? They're all men. There is no major, well known female philosopher of the same caliber as these. You can be the first one.” 

Of course, this is a moment I could not possibly have forgotten. My father's love, how much he believed in me, even his admiration of my childish attempts to articulate difficult things, all of this has affected me to the core. Because of his encouragement, I've continually been an avid writer who loves to write about the meaning of God and life. 

Today, during mass, a flash of realization came to me. The reason for the “lack” of women philosophers is because they are mostly Catholic saints. Authors with a primarily Catholic focus are often avoided like the plague by protestant readers. I have never known a protestant who would be “caught dead” reading the writings of a pope, although so many of them have doctorates in philosophy as well as theology and many are philosophical geniuses. I have a 700 page copy of “The Theology of the Body” by Blessed Pope Paul II at home to attest to that. I read it sometimes to refresh my mind of concepts long forgotten and not well understood. 

Regardless of what I have come to consider bias, St. Teresa of Avila, St. Catherine of Sienna, and St. Hildegard of Bingen (my father's current favorite) are all theological and philosophical geniuses. They have earned the title “Doctor of the Church.” Those who bemoan the “sad fate of women” who are unable to become priests in the Catholic tradition may not have considered the tens of thousands of priests for the past 2000 years of church history who did NOT earn the title of “Doctor of the Church.” 

Certainly, this is an example of the equal value the Church gives to the sexes. The Church is female by her very nature. Therefore, having males as protectors and spouses to her makes sense. In today's world, sexes (now almost exclusively called genders) are becoming more and more blurred every day. Many people think this is a wonderful thing and there are lots of churches in the world that they may want to be a part of, but the Catholic Church does seek to preserve the original “man and woman created He them” condition of the humans he originally created. I love the sense of preserving an increasingly lost integrity of the concept of men and women.

I am proud to be a female and a philosopher in the sense of a “lover of knowledge.” I was inspired to write about this topic because this is the saint day of St. Teresa Benedicta (also known as Edith Stein), whose great heart in providing comfort and spiritual help for many starving to death in concentration camps is better known than her amazing philosophical mind. Today's homily reminded me of my father's words to me, back when I was a wide-eyed child in elementary school. Of course, I doubt I will become a “great” woman philosopher, but I will never stop seeking to know and live the truth. And I am proud to be a member of a Church that values what I most love to do above all else.

Mother and Baby: Who Cares Anymore?

When I was a little girl, I wanted more than anything to grow up to be a mother. I had a baby doll I pushed in a carriage. I dreamed about having a house full of kids. I think I was about eight years old when I told my mother, “When I grow up, I want to have a baby.” My mother said, “No, honey, you don't want that. You want a PhD. Your PhD is your baby. A PhD is far more rewarding.”

I stared at her, confused. So, thinking through this logic in my mind, her PhD was more important to her than me. Of course it was. That's why she spent all her time studying for it and ignoring me. On the positive side, my mother wanted me to grow up to be an intellectual achiever. On the negative side, she had no idea how those words would impact my belief that I was not wanted or valued by her. I'm glad she did give birth to me, though.

I was raised by two pro-life democrats. Yes, they do exist, in greater numbers than either Republicans or Democrats think. The value of unborn life was a value I always took for granted and never really thought about much. The first time I really thought about it, I was sixteen and a friend of mine, whom I'll call Betsy, thought she was pregnant. We went to a crisis pregnancy center (CPC) so she would get a free test. While the worker there was reading the test, we were shown a video on the miracle of life. I was transfixed, amazed at the wonder of how human life grows. Betsy groaned. “I can't believe we came here,” she said, “These people are trying to get me to believe that a fetus is a human and take away my right to do what I want with my body. Let's get out of here.”

We left quickly after finding out her test was negative. I asked Betsy more questions. She told me to read books by feminists like Gloria Steinem. I read that and more and found out a lot about Betsy's point of view. I wondered if she could be right. Because I was from a liberal democrat family, so were almost all my friends, and all of them but me were pro-choice. As I grew up more and more of my friends were having abortions. Two in particular had five and six abortions each. Having an abortion was nothing to them, but just having “a bunch of cells” removed. No concern seemed to cross their minds at all. At some point of time, I believed the “cell story” too.

I'm very lucky I did not get pregnant in my teen years or twenties. I didn't need a man. I was a free and independent woman. Nobody should tell me what to do. Marriage? That's a piece of paper.

I lived in a heavily abortion-minded climate. I would tell my friends, “I can't have an abortion myself, because I'm not sure when the soul enters the body. If I'm not sure, how can I take even a little risk of murder?” Yet because I wanted people to like me, I would also say, “Since we don't know, I guess you're free to take the risk if you want.” Of course, I never judged anyone for having an abortion. I still don't think a woman who has gone through with it is someone to be condemned. Most women choose abortion in a state of panic and often under pressure by family. More than half of abortions are due to the fear of not having financial resources to care for the child.

Add to that how little most women know about fetal development. I really believed that for the first two months, all that's in the uterus is a clump of undifferentiated cells. People told me if I went to a crisis pregnancy center, people would lie and try to show me that a baby was in there. I didn't realize I could just pick up a biology textbook and see that at only three weeks after implantation, there's a heart in there that begins to beat. By eight weeks, every organ in the body is there in the uterus. No, you won't hear that at Planned Parenthood, because they don't want to disturb you. But, they will tell you CPC's lie when the materials they are teaching from are either written by medical doctors or come straight out of biology text books.

I got pregnant for the first time when I was 36. I was not married and my boyfriend had just thrown me out and changed all the locks on the doors. He thought I was lying when I said I was pregnant. I stayed with a friend who watched me take three pregnancy tests and she took all three of them to my boyfriend. He said, “So what?”

I really wanted that baby. I wanted the baby so much I cried when I was pregnant. A child was all I ever wanted. I remembered my parents said they both cried when they found out my mom was pregnant, but they had really good stable jobs and owned a house. What did I have? Absolutely nothing to offer this baby. Yet, I wanted it more than anything in the world.

I left California to stay with my dad in Georgia. Yet, on the way to Georgia, passing through Louisiana, I started bleeding heavily. I went to an emergency room and took another pregnancy test. No more baby. I could die. When I got to Georgia, I saw what I'd lost. A job, relationship and home in California. A future baby. And with the loss of contact with a new age group, I realized it was a very convincing sham of spirituality. My disillusion was pretty total, my depression pretty deep.

I tried to rebuild my life so I could have a home and family, yet everything I tried to do failed. In 2009, I moved to Eugene, Oregon to try to start over, age forty. My life seemed to lose more meaning every day. When I re-discovered God and a church family, I was prostate by the weight of a life not lived as I had ever wanted. I came back to the solace and strength I had gone to in my young teen years, the Catholic Church.

To make a long blog shorter, my life is rich in meaning and purpose today. I am deeply happy. I volunteer in a Crisis Pregnancy Center now, and yes, I do want to save babies. I also want to help make life easier for mothers, so they won't feel the overwhelming need to abort. Sometimes, I still get weepy when I put together layettes with all the cute little baby clothes, because I wish they could be for a baby of my own, but I'm so glad to be doing something for any baby, especially a baby that might not have ever been.

I don't see our culture valuing motherhood very much anymore. I don't see it much looking at the lives of celebrities or in movies or television shows. My own mother didn't value it much. My inborn desire to be a mother was stifled quite a lot. Yet, I will be forty-four in about five months, and the one thing I wish I'd been able to do was to marry and create a stable home for a child.

Most people know that the Catholic Church makes saving the lives of the unborn a very high priority. It's easy to see from whence that sentiment stems. How can anyone look at paintings or sculptures of Mary with baby Jesus and not contemplate her safe, sacred womb and the violence of invading that sanctuary with a blade?

When I hear woman say it's not a decision to be taken lightly, I wonder, why? If there's any chance in their mind it might be murder, where is the decision in that? I know, I know, there are atheists in this country who don't believe in a soul. Why should they care about when or if a baby is aborted? I also know I've said every word I just said to women who have said, “So what. It's my body!”

I used to ask women why it is that when you are two months pregnant and you want to be, you say, “My baby is growing,” but if you are two months pregnant and don't want to be, you say “The fetus needs to come out,” just as if it were an appendix. Women used to look at me, stumped. But recently, I read an article by a woman bragging about this very thing, about how free she was that she could call the contents of her uterus anything she wants, baby, fetus, whatever. I shook my head. No hope, I thought. No one will ever listen.

The war over abortion is ugly. I have become the enemy in many people's minds. I have crossed demarcation lines and have become a traitor. Some will not even post on my Facebook page or read my posts. Perhaps I think they're evil villains for what they've done in the past. Of course I don't. Abortion is murder, but none of the women I've know who had abortions consciously intended to commit murder. Most of them were badly deceived. Abby Johnson, an ex-Planned Parenthood director who is now pro-life, says that overwhelmingly, the most common question women ask on their way to the surgery room, while they are groggy from medications, is, “Will my baby feel pain?”

Deep down, perhaps they know the truth. Deeper down, perhaps it's way to painful to face.

Source:

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/prenatal-care/PR00112/

(Note: Their week numbering is based on the whole cycle of pregnancy and the first two weeks are called "getting ready." So, week three of implantation is their week six.)

Learning the The Way Autistics Process Religious Beliefs

A study released last September showed that individuals with HFA (High Functioning Autism, including Asperger's Syndrome type) are more prone to be atheists. This study, from Boston University, sought to measure religious belief systems most prevalent in our population.

One of the correlations predicted from the literature (that was later confirmed in the study) was that because people with autism are primarily concrete and literal thinkers, problems arise with understanding parables and metaphors in religious text. I concur that this is partially the case with me. I draw a blank over many Biblical texts I read. Not a small blank. A big one. I can see how it would be easy for a lot of people on the spectrum to just give up in frustration. However, there are many ways around this. Because I work hard at understanding metaphorical text, I do eventually understand. Religious commentary helps. I have a friend with a degree in religion who can explain some things to me, although it often takes more time. I do best when a priest or minister begins with the concrete and slowly builds up to the metaphorical. I am so happy when I can follow the homily and I cherish how I can learn from it on deeper levels.

People may wonder why I spend so much time studying theological literature. I cannot stand not to “get” something, and it takes me longer to grasp it. By the time I grasp it, I understand the subject matter in far deeper detail than someone who grasped the concept immediately. My approach is the only approach I can use if I want to comprehend what I am hearing.

In other words, the neurotypical approach to religion doesn't work. I'm a contemplative. I like to just mull upon words, images, emotions, interactions. I love to just stay with a few verses of scripture or a sacred mystery and just soak it all in. It's candy. I'm a fish in water. I find that symbolism is wonderful and I especially like finding patterns in what I'm learning and reading. Catholicism just happens to be full of pattern after pattern that fits neatly into the one before. Taken from that angle, I can eventually grasp parables. I love poetry and poetry is about that. I just reach within my heart and jot down what images come up and what emotions are present and a few minutes later, I find that I have a complete metaphorical thought. It just happens.

Returning to the Boston study, the researchers also predicted that people on the autism spectrum would be drawn to rigid, doctrinal religions if they were drawn to religion at all. Autistic people crave structure, sameness, predictability. Ambiguity can lead to meltdowns for us. Why is this? I really don't know completely. My guess is that when life is so incredibly intense, sensorily, emotionally, socially, we don't have that much energy left over to “piddle around” with nuances of moral pondering. No, when that much intensity is going on, we need anchoring and grounding and it's well known that most autistics love rules, although that doesn't mean we're always sweet and compliant. Sometimes, we stubbornly set our own rigid rules and refuse to follow those in authority, but we always have a rule mindset. I don't even need to elucidate how Catholicism is great for helping with this.

Researchers also predicted that autistics would have problems with “supernatural” concepts and would appreciate a socially welcoming community, since we have problems navigating social situations and often have anxiety because of it. For me, “supernatural” concepts are not problematic. I've always believed in God and never questioned His existence. I think I got this from my dad, because he's the same way. Growing up with God being a fact makes the whole concept easier to take in. Also, I learned to pray to God as a person from a young age. I don't know if that has an impact on other autistics on the spectrum though.

I've always remembered reading in one of Dr. Temple Grandin's books that as she worked in the cattle industry, seeing that moment when a cow was a living, breathing animal and in the next moment (after quick slaughter) an immediate piece of meat was hard for her to understand. I know what she's talking about. Death itself is a “supernatural” concept to me.

As far as the social problems and anxiety go- big time. I needed unbelievable assurance that I was okay, that I belonged, that I would not be rejected and that I would not be looked down on. Luckily for me, teachers and priests were reliably able to encourage, support and nurture my growth. Also luckily for me, my conversion story was featured on the front page of the diocesan newspaper, and that helped me let go of a lot more anxiety. Still, I wish I didn't feel I need that kind of reassurance.

So, what were the overall results of the Boston research study? I did mention that atheism was the largest group (26%), followed by agnosticism (17%). Only 16% of autistics were able to embrace Christian beliefs. All others studied (around 40%) had their “own construction” of God. In other words, they came to their own conclusions and followed their own private revelations of what God is to them. In the neurotypical (non-autistic) control group, atheism was at 17% and agnosticism at 10%. Christianity was at 38% and “own construction” at only 6%. Understandable. People with autism are highly creative and innovative. It's been said we have to dance to our own drummer because we cannot hear the music (social information) everyone else is listening to.

Because I am a Christian, I would like to see religious organizations and churches learn how autistics think and process religious information. In doing so, outreach to this population can be far easier. For example, beginning with the concrete, literal and visual and slowly building up to the allegorical and metaphorical works best. Depending on level of functioning, this may take varied amounts of instruction. I also would like to see churches take a different approach to teaching religion. So many autistics are creative, powerful visualizers. Any sort of approach involving creative imagination or guided imagery could be immensely helpful. The main reason I've been able to integrate Christianity this time around in my life is that I've been using lots and lots of contemplative visualization.

Added note:

I would also like to note that I feel a weakness in the test was that the test instruments were influenced and built upon the concepts of Simon Baron-Cohen. His views are controversial now in the autism community. His “Systemizing Quotient” seems to apply far more to autistic males than females. His views of “theory of mind” and his “zero empathy” theory of autism are also being questioned and challenged a lot now.

Reference:
http://csjarchive.cogsci.rpi.edu/proceedings/2011/papers/0782/paper0782.pdf

Health Care, Freedom and Conscience

I'm writing this blog about something most people don't care about and some have not even heard of. I ask that you have an open mind about the perspective I'm about to share. Most people don't understand the issue and/or they have dismissed it as unimportant. I hope you will be different.

I am presenting an issue important to both conservatives and liberals, to Christians, Buddhists and Pagans. This issue crosses all political and religious lines, because religious freedom is important to us all. A great many people have heard that the issue at hand is about birth control and abortion. It's really not. The issue is about whether a person or organization should pay for things that strongly go against their conscience. Atheists out there, how would you feel about having to pay for Bibles? Orthodox Jews, do you want to be forced to offer pork in your shops or pay a tax because you don't sell pork? You may say this can never happen to you. How do you know that once a precedent is set, it can't happen to you? A regulation under the “Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act” which some call “Obama-care” could open the door to make this happen. It's called the HHS Mandate.

Economic Ethics drives this issue. The goal of opposing this mandate is that people very opposed to an activity shouldn't have to pay for it. Any time a person pays a premium, co-pay or deductible, they will be partially paying for birth control and abortifacients and sterilization. Companies and organizations will be forced to offer this service, even if they believe it is gravely immoral.

So, most of you may say, “Who cares? That's dumb anyway.” I was with you, before I understood the issue. I won't lie. I now believe that life begins at conception and that using birth control that will prevent that embryo from implanting flushes away a life that was meant to happen or it wouldn't have been created. Do you have to agree? No, you don't. Can you believe I am an absolute loony to believe such a thing? Yes, by all means. Can you classify me as old-fashioned, too traditional, and a general stick-in-the-mud, square sort of person? Sure, why not!

I don't care how you view me, but don't try to take away my rights. The Amish are old fashioned and many think their ways are kind of nuts, but does the government force them to buy cars? I have a right to be weird and hokey.

One misunderstanding I've seen floating around the internet is that people who oppose the HHS mandate are trying to take away rights to birth control, abortifacients and sterilization. This could not be further from the truth. People in America have a right to these services by law. People who work for an employer who doesn't cover these things are still free to purchase insurance coverage or services elsewhere. In addition, birth control is both ubiquitous and free in many clinics already.

The HHS mandate has rightly been called a “sleeper issue,” meaning an issue that will be ignored until it causes Obama to lose the election. Many wrongly believe that Catholics don't agree with the Church's position and won't oppose the mandate. Wrong. Even Catholics I know who do use birth control are nervous about this threat to freedom. I see stats floating around that over 90% of Catholics use birth control. These stats are wrong because they are interviewing lapsed and inactive Catholics. The vast majority of practicing Catholics do not use birth control. Yet, overall, agree or not, right or wrong, their faith is critical to most practicing Catholics, who are influenced by their bishops.

And, it's not just us. The list of groups opposing the HHS mandate is quite long. Evangelical Protestants, Orthodox Jews and Catholics are opposed. Also some secularists are opposed on the logical grounds that freedom is threatened. Where are the Buddhists on this issue? My Tibetan Buddhist friend told me abortion is against her religion. If the current government wants support for the healthcare plan, they will never get it by treating religious groups like dirt. Further, HHS shows disregard for women by forcing them to purchase birth control/abortifacieant products against their will, whether they want it or not. Is this fair?

I'm not sure about the other organizations, but since I'm Catholic, I know this: The Catholic Church won't just swallow her position and go on. No, if need be, all Catholic hospitals, clinics and schools will close. I heard a woman on a radio call-in show say, “I think the Catholics should stay out of the hospital business and just handle their worship business.” The hospital business IS our worship business. In fact, the Catholic Church innovated the first hospitals shortly following the Council of Nicea in 325 AD. With the exception of a few scattered examples of primitive hospitals from 252-325, the first major hospital undertaking was largely a Byzantine Christian effort, as hospitals were added onto most churches and cathedrals. Serving the sick and poor has always been a core priority for the Catholic faith, and service IS our worship.

Under the “exceptions” of the new mandate, if a church organization hires only church members and serves only church members, it may be exempt from paying for birth control and abortifacients. What church wants to do that? What church with a conscience CAN do that? Someone comes in with a gunshot wound and a nurse has to act if they're Catholic or Evangelical before they can save their life? To use a colloquial expression, we are being “blown off.” Blown off my the government, blown off by the general public. No one really cares about us. If this precedent is set, who will care about you?

Will you help us support opposing the HHS Mandate?
Petition Here-(Against HHS Regulation ONLY, not entire health care plan.)

Note: Articles are circulating all over the web that Plan B and Ella are not abortifacients.
This is not conclusive. Read what the Mayo Clinic has to say here.