How easily I wrote off religion! Everyone knows it only gave guilt, fear, suffering and "sheep mentality" to the world. Who in their right mind would be drawn to it?
Me. When all else failed. I found out when you plug in those "negative emotions" where they fit, only then can the experience of humanity be made sacred. Where do these negative emotions fit? Generally, they go where and when things aren't good for me.
Along with lots of people, I thought sex was the answer to all my problems. After all, I had been taught in psychology and even from a few therapists I had, that sexual repression made people neurotic. Although repression could cause far more problems than sublimation, I had too many empty experiences trying to work all that out.
I wonder how it is that the rate of mental illness has mushroomed (along with the divorce rate) since the great "sexual revolution". People want their own freedom first, at all costs, regardless of how others are affected. Many of these people will quip that they aren't responsible for how others feel. Others will quip that their true freedom comes through sharing their love with others. Does that extend to difficult times of suffering or will the other person be dismissed since you believe suffering isn't healthy?
I've been where they are. I've defended a lot of selfish decisions. I had felt trapped in my life and I wanted to be free. I did just that. I became much more confident and successful in my life. When my idea of "success" collapsed, it was hard to find meaning. I kept being told that I could gain "personal power" and become all I ever wanted by believing in my "divine nature."
Had I not felt desperate, I wouldn't have stayed with this thinking as long as I did. Deep down, I remembered the story of the Garden of Eden and how the serpent told our original parents they would "be as gods". Deep down, I knew that making myself my own god was a type of idolatry. When I wasn't trying to become as God, I was idolizing gurus. Finally, I collapsed with guilt from it all.
My gurus would have cautioned me not to judge myself and to stop being a victim, through guilt, but if I had done that, I would have denied myself the greatest realization of my life.
After a five year period of re-examining these things, it became apparent to me that I had a desire to explore what Jesus had to offer. I learned more about contemplative prayer, lectio divina, and a Jesuit technique of visualizing yourself in the life of Jesus. I started reading scripture and saw how superficial my understanding had been before.
I had thought I could draw from the universal root of all religions, love, but I didn't have the best example available of how to live that love. Christianity began to make love concrete and real- not an airy bliss but a solid foundation for my life. All other attempts at such "foundations" had failed. I used to believe my spiritual teachers could act as clear or clearer mirrors for me, but Jesus is the clearest mirror there is. He's the only one safe to be trusted.
Everything he did in life was to give to me and you. He didn't help us for material profit. He taught us how to sanctify suffering, not to avoid it. Yes, even suffering can be sacred. Through this, I've learned more meaningful ways to view emotions I once avoided.
Seeking God can take many faces and phases. I don't believe if you don't agree with me you're going to hell. I only wanted to share my story.
Monday, January 30, 2012
Monday, October 4, 2010
Reflections on the Cloud of Unknowing, #2
One facet of the Cloud of Unknowing that strikes me most is the anonymous author's clarity. Although he uses some expressions incomprehensible to the mind, such as how God is "nothing and nowhere," and he often speaks of paradoxes, on matters of faith he is resonatingly clear.
In my reading over the past few days, I find myself excited by the questions he posits. I write each word of the questions down, contemplating them in anticipation of the answer. The answer surprises me and brings immediate lucidity to my soul.
The truth doesn't have to confuse. Confusing the mind does not help one abandon the mind. Jesus sought to clarify, rather than confuse, with his parables. The absolute genius of the parables of Jesus lies in how we are shown the paradoxes we believe about every day life, without our even realizing they are paradoxes.
From the point of grasping the principle through the metaphoricaly imagery, somehow we grasp a deeper truth than may be explained with logic or reason. The parable of the prodigal son contains the paradox of being undeserving and yet receiving abundant reward. Another example is of the mustard seed, tinier than other seeds, which grows into a large and powerful tree.
Have you ever thought about how many paradoxes you believe every day and take for granted? What about how the sun appears to rise and set, but you also know it isn't really doing that? How about the way an electron can be either or a particle or a wave, depending on whether you are observing it or not? We don't understand these things, yet we do not question that they are.
It is possible to speak the truth with clarity and also on the level that only your soul, beyond the mere mind, is able to grasp it. Anonymous, through the Cloud of Unknowing, has helped me see the purpose of reason and its best uses. This was a welcome relief to the way I saw reason before, as something unneeded and just to be discarded in the spiritual journey.
Make no mistake, Anonymous stridently recommends that we throw everything imaginable into the "Cloud of Unknowing," and that includes good and bad, sinful and virtuous thought. However, his approach is to gradually guide his reader to this end, making sure a firm foundation is built first of pure motives and love without selfish aims. I understood for the first time who I am in relation to God, what grace is and what it takes to experience union with God.
I had come from a previous tradition that was just too convoluted and confusing for me to build up my relationship with God, which is why the structure fell apart in the end. My understanding and practice of what it means to be fulfilled have shifted towards a more productive process. I'm learning to simplify thoughts and experience their new potency.
"Motivated by a strong desire to reduce themselves to nothing, they will have a strong desire that God be all." -Anonymous, from The Cloud of Unknowing
In my reading over the past few days, I find myself excited by the questions he posits. I write each word of the questions down, contemplating them in anticipation of the answer. The answer surprises me and brings immediate lucidity to my soul.
The truth doesn't have to confuse. Confusing the mind does not help one abandon the mind. Jesus sought to clarify, rather than confuse, with his parables. The absolute genius of the parables of Jesus lies in how we are shown the paradoxes we believe about every day life, without our even realizing they are paradoxes.
From the point of grasping the principle through the metaphoricaly imagery, somehow we grasp a deeper truth than may be explained with logic or reason. The parable of the prodigal son contains the paradox of being undeserving and yet receiving abundant reward. Another example is of the mustard seed, tinier than other seeds, which grows into a large and powerful tree.
Have you ever thought about how many paradoxes you believe every day and take for granted? What about how the sun appears to rise and set, but you also know it isn't really doing that? How about the way an electron can be either or a particle or a wave, depending on whether you are observing it or not? We don't understand these things, yet we do not question that they are.
It is possible to speak the truth with clarity and also on the level that only your soul, beyond the mere mind, is able to grasp it. Anonymous, through the Cloud of Unknowing, has helped me see the purpose of reason and its best uses. This was a welcome relief to the way I saw reason before, as something unneeded and just to be discarded in the spiritual journey.
Make no mistake, Anonymous stridently recommends that we throw everything imaginable into the "Cloud of Unknowing," and that includes good and bad, sinful and virtuous thought. However, his approach is to gradually guide his reader to this end, making sure a firm foundation is built first of pure motives and love without selfish aims. I understood for the first time who I am in relation to God, what grace is and what it takes to experience union with God.
I had come from a previous tradition that was just too convoluted and confusing for me to build up my relationship with God, which is why the structure fell apart in the end. My understanding and practice of what it means to be fulfilled have shifted towards a more productive process. I'm learning to simplify thoughts and experience their new potency.
"Motivated by a strong desire to reduce themselves to nothing, they will have a strong desire that God be all." -Anonymous, from The Cloud of Unknowing
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
The Cloud of Unknowing: Reflections #1
This morning, I began my study of The Cloud of Unknowing, a work by an Anonymous author in about the fourteenth century. Uneducated about such things, I had previously believed that meditating directly on God without thought was an Eastern practice that Christians had adopted in fairly modern times. To see how far back this tradition is in the Christian tradition surprised me.
As I learned from St.Teresa of Avila, humility and desire for God are the two essential ingredients for any form of spiritual growth and fulfillment. Silencing thought is not, for St.Teresa did not attempt to do it, although it was the essential byproduct of her practice. St.Teresa was able to have many experiences completely unfathomable and unexplainable to others. Anonymous writes that what is required for contemplative prayer is "sincere and humble blind stirrings of love,"because “he is complete and can fill every longing.”
The “cloud of unknowing” is the absence of knowing between us and God. He recommends that we place all of our knowledge, good and bad, into the Cloud of Forgetting beneath us. St.Teresa writes how in the end, she naturally reached a point where she forgot herself. In the practice taught by Anonymous, this goal is sought secondarily to the foundations of humility and desire.
Anonymous describes three kinds of prayer: action, reflection (which includes both remorse and gratitude) and relating to the “cloud of unknowing.” He at first calls these “higher and lower” prayer. But then states, paradoxically that the highest is also the lowest. When I was following new Age practices and teachings, I also learned to meditate without thinking. It was amazing. But, here I am, starting over with my spiritual journey, wondering if I'm ready.
My first thought was that I'm not ready for this “higher prayer” because the lower is so fulfilling now. But, as I examined motives, I realized avoidance was based on fear. Specifically, the fear has been of misusing motives. Although I was urged to examine motives before, to avoid ego snags, that did not include avoiding self-indulgence as a motive. Whether I misconstrued these teachings or whether they did not include this is a mystery today. Regardless, Anonymous encourages using a “Naked Intent,” a beautiful way of describing purity of heart and will aligned to God's will.
When I began meditative prayer a few weeks ago, it was because James Finley's book, Christian Meditation, showed me the way. An example given was of meditating on just one verse. I chose the beatitude, “Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God.” As I had heard this in the past, I thought, “Hey, good. I'll see him. I know my heart is pure!” As I meditated much more deeply over a series of many days, I realized this could not be further from the truth. Instead of this being discouraging, it was to me the best realization ever. Was I seeing God all the time? Uh, no. So, uh, is my heart pure? Uh.. no.
I do not know if my intent is “naked.” Humility also is a puzzle. Every time I contemplate it, I get the same result. “No, not humble,” comes the verdict from my conscience. Fortunately, I read that St.Teresa grappled with this every day, to the end. We will just never be humble or pure enough. So, that is a good thing to realize, since thinking we've achieved it destroys the process of achieving it.It's the examination of the conscience that brings satisfaction if we look at it this way. As we always work on it, we're doing our best and that is all we can do at any given moment. Because of this, if we approach it this way, that would mean doing our best.
If we wait until we are “ready” to practice higher prayer (how Anonymous refers to “meditation,”) we will be waiting for Godot. Thanks to my reading, at least now I understand what the foundations are and what methods may help.
“Let whichever of you feels surest of herself fear most.” -St.Teresa of Avila
As I learned from St.Teresa of Avila, humility and desire for God are the two essential ingredients for any form of spiritual growth and fulfillment. Silencing thought is not, for St.Teresa did not attempt to do it, although it was the essential byproduct of her practice. St.Teresa was able to have many experiences completely unfathomable and unexplainable to others. Anonymous writes that what is required for contemplative prayer is "sincere and humble blind stirrings of love,"because “he is complete and can fill every longing.”
The “cloud of unknowing” is the absence of knowing between us and God. He recommends that we place all of our knowledge, good and bad, into the Cloud of Forgetting beneath us. St.Teresa writes how in the end, she naturally reached a point where she forgot herself. In the practice taught by Anonymous, this goal is sought secondarily to the foundations of humility and desire.
Anonymous describes three kinds of prayer: action, reflection (which includes both remorse and gratitude) and relating to the “cloud of unknowing.” He at first calls these “higher and lower” prayer. But then states, paradoxically that the highest is also the lowest. When I was following new Age practices and teachings, I also learned to meditate without thinking. It was amazing. But, here I am, starting over with my spiritual journey, wondering if I'm ready.
My first thought was that I'm not ready for this “higher prayer” because the lower is so fulfilling now. But, as I examined motives, I realized avoidance was based on fear. Specifically, the fear has been of misusing motives. Although I was urged to examine motives before, to avoid ego snags, that did not include avoiding self-indulgence as a motive. Whether I misconstrued these teachings or whether they did not include this is a mystery today. Regardless, Anonymous encourages using a “Naked Intent,” a beautiful way of describing purity of heart and will aligned to God's will.
When I began meditative prayer a few weeks ago, it was because James Finley's book, Christian Meditation, showed me the way. An example given was of meditating on just one verse. I chose the beatitude, “Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God.” As I had heard this in the past, I thought, “Hey, good. I'll see him. I know my heart is pure!” As I meditated much more deeply over a series of many days, I realized this could not be further from the truth. Instead of this being discouraging, it was to me the best realization ever. Was I seeing God all the time? Uh, no. So, uh, is my heart pure? Uh.. no.
I do not know if my intent is “naked.” Humility also is a puzzle. Every time I contemplate it, I get the same result. “No, not humble,” comes the verdict from my conscience. Fortunately, I read that St.Teresa grappled with this every day, to the end. We will just never be humble or pure enough. So, that is a good thing to realize, since thinking we've achieved it destroys the process of achieving it.It's the examination of the conscience that brings satisfaction if we look at it this way. As we always work on it, we're doing our best and that is all we can do at any given moment. Because of this, if we approach it this way, that would mean doing our best.
If we wait until we are “ready” to practice higher prayer (how Anonymous refers to “meditation,”) we will be waiting for Godot. Thanks to my reading, at least now I understand what the foundations are and what methods may help.
“Let whichever of you feels surest of herself fear most.” -St.Teresa of Avila
Saturday, September 25, 2010
Seventh Mansions: God's Will United with Soul
Once again, I was continually surprised by what I read about the seventh mansions. St. Teresa describes what it is like to live in constant awareness of the union between self and God. She describes this “as if the ends of two wax candles were joined so that the light they give as one,” and also with the image of rain falling on a lake, so that one “cannot separate the water below from that which fell from the heavens.”
In what she calls the “Prayer of Union, “there is unwavering certainty of God and tranquility. The awareness of union with God never leaves. The raptures stop, except for brief occasions and even they do not cause “transportation or flights of spirit” as the soul is grounded in union with Christ. Suffering does not disturb her soul, although there are still trials and grief. St. Teresa describes the “state of forgetfulness” which feels as if the soul never existed. All that is left is “seeking the honor of God.”
St. Teresa explains an experience of feeling self as if divided at times between the Mary and Martha inside. The “Mary” part is always in praise and worship of Jesus and the “Martha” part is doing the work in the world. In the beginning, the Martha part is jealous of the Mary part, but in time, they learn to work together as one.
In the fifth mansions, St. Teresa gave us the example of the silkworm that was transformed into the white butterfly, through the cocoon of Christ. She told us that in the seventh house, we would learn where the butterfly came to rest. I was surprised to learn that the butterfly takes its rest in death. “The little butterfly dies because Christ is now its life.” The soul, so beautifully transformed by the Master in the fifth mansions has now ceased to need to be at all. Instead, St. Teresa speaks of becoming “extremely desirous of serving God,” so that nothing else now matters.
I had expected St. Teresa to talk of unending bliss and ecstasy, desiring from that point forward to lounge around like a Buddha statue. I had expected her to write about losing herself in God, or to somehow become God. She did not. She became more and more fulfilled in who she was as she became immersed with God and her will was laid to rest. Following this “death” the soul rests in eternal life, here and now.
In these chapters, St. Teresa stresses again the importance of humility throughout this process, stating, “Let whichever of you feels surest of herself fear most.” yet, when certainty that the soul is lost in Christ occurs, there can be no more fear.
St. Teresa has been a guide for me in exploring the potential of my soul. She has helped me to appreciate my experiences in life and to feel renewed purpose in living. She writes like a mother to children she cares about deeply, and that emotional presence is strong and steady. It will nurture the growth of any reader if he or she is receptive to it.
The journey has just begun. The consummation of the spiritual marriage “cannot be fulfilled properly in us during our lifetime,” she says.
In what she calls the “Prayer of Union, “there is unwavering certainty of God and tranquility. The awareness of union with God never leaves. The raptures stop, except for brief occasions and even they do not cause “transportation or flights of spirit” as the soul is grounded in union with Christ. Suffering does not disturb her soul, although there are still trials and grief. St. Teresa describes the “state of forgetfulness” which feels as if the soul never existed. All that is left is “seeking the honor of God.”
St. Teresa explains an experience of feeling self as if divided at times between the Mary and Martha inside. The “Mary” part is always in praise and worship of Jesus and the “Martha” part is doing the work in the world. In the beginning, the Martha part is jealous of the Mary part, but in time, they learn to work together as one.
In the fifth mansions, St. Teresa gave us the example of the silkworm that was transformed into the white butterfly, through the cocoon of Christ. She told us that in the seventh house, we would learn where the butterfly came to rest. I was surprised to learn that the butterfly takes its rest in death. “The little butterfly dies because Christ is now its life.” The soul, so beautifully transformed by the Master in the fifth mansions has now ceased to need to be at all. Instead, St. Teresa speaks of becoming “extremely desirous of serving God,” so that nothing else now matters.
I had expected St. Teresa to talk of unending bliss and ecstasy, desiring from that point forward to lounge around like a Buddha statue. I had expected her to write about losing herself in God, or to somehow become God. She did not. She became more and more fulfilled in who she was as she became immersed with God and her will was laid to rest. Following this “death” the soul rests in eternal life, here and now.
In these chapters, St. Teresa stresses again the importance of humility throughout this process, stating, “Let whichever of you feels surest of herself fear most.” yet, when certainty that the soul is lost in Christ occurs, there can be no more fear.
St. Teresa has been a guide for me in exploring the potential of my soul. She has helped me to appreciate my experiences in life and to feel renewed purpose in living. She writes like a mother to children she cares about deeply, and that emotional presence is strong and steady. It will nurture the growth of any reader if he or she is receptive to it.
The journey has just begun. The consummation of the spiritual marriage “cannot be fulfilled properly in us during our lifetime,” she says.
Friday, September 24, 2010
Sixth Mansions: The Desire That Consumes the Will
“I spent almost twenty years on this stormy sea, falling and rising and bobbing again between the world's attractions and God.” -St. Teresa of Avila
It could be said that for St. Teresa, life really began at forty. For almost twenty years, she struggled against desires for the world versus desires for God. A natural extravert, a girl described as “vain and vivacious” and “beautiful and she knew it,” St. Teresa went against her nature for a very long time. After age forty, her unusual experiences and ecstasies began. It could be said that she entered the seventh mansions at some point in her forties.
Shortly after, St. Teresa became a prioress and began founding Carmelite convents all over Spain. To do this, she fell back on her natural extroversion that had not ultimately been repressed all those years, but transformed. St. Teresa conducted business and dealt with a wide variety of complex social situations in a most skillful way, while maintaining the gifts of her profound inner journey.
However, she spent twenty years of her life berating herself for “worldly desires.” Now, it is not a bad thing, from my perspective, to desire worldly things. What matters most, however, is fulfillment from within. During the time St. Teresa lived, desires of the world were viewed differently. As a result, St. Teresa was in an environment that encouraged her to channel all of her desire upon union with God.
St. Teresa writes all sort of amazing things in these chapters. They are truly awe-inspiring. As amazing as her transformation was in the sixth mansions, it certainly wasn't all “fun and games.” Reading her work, I began to see the disillusionment I've had with my life at midlife as a true blessing. A few years back, I gave up on my goals in the world. I didn't get the home and family I wanted or the career I wanted. I felt like a failure in life.
Then I realized I could still accomplish one thing- to grow as near to God as I am capable in this lifetime. I've felt fulfilled ever since, not feeling I am “settling” for less in life, but deeply full within that divine connection. St. Teresa has taught me to realize what a gift my life has been, because God has brought about perfect circumstances to draw me near.
I feel blessed that I abandoned my previous “spiritual path” five years ago, because it wasn't for me. Towards the end, the dreams and meditation visions I had were nightmarish. I had to stop because it just felt incredibly wrong at the core of my being. For five years after, I was spiritually shut down, afraid to reach out again. This set me out on a path to approach the Christian mystics with a very open mind and more humility, based on my mistakes of the past. My past experiences have also helped me to appreciate each little thing so much more. As of today and reading these chapters, I feel unbelievably blessed.
The sixth mansions deal with spiritual matters of extreme emotional intensity. St. Teresa writes of visions, locutions, ecstacies and raptures. She writes of the death of the will, which is so intense one feels the body is also dying. She writes of deep, anguished suffering and grief because she cannot experience all that is God or give back nearly enough in response to the gifts given to her through grace. Although no one's spiritual journey will follow the exact pattern hers had, St. Teresa writes a thorough guidebook for anyone who might have some of these experiences, helping them to determine their authenticity, meaning and purpose. St. Teresa was gifted with an extraordinary range of them, so she had considerable experience.
However, these chapters are not about sensationalizing these, but rather celebrating all emotions, from grief to joy, with an immense desire to feel the entire human experience. There is but one over-riding theme: Dissolution of personal will through the deep intensification of desire for God. In fact, upon reading this, I now believe there is but one essential ingredient on the spiritual journey, which is relentless desire for God. Previously, I believed judgment of self and others was the most important thing, but it is not. All consuming desire is the key that unlocks the Kingdom of God.
Of course, with my background in psychology, I considered bipolar disorder as an explanation for St. Teresa's experiences. However, as I read through carefully, I discovered some essential differences between bipolar and the spiritual process of St. Teresa. The experiences she shares are described as “fleeting” and she feels deep peace and calm in between these “episodes.” By fleeting, she means, like a lightning flash or an emotional experience lasting just a few hours. These experiences occurred at a late stage of spiritual development. She was in her forties and had no history of these behaviors before. These experiences also went away in time. In addition, the theme of it all was quite the opposite of what is seen in mania. There is no self-aggrandizement but instead, a sense of the “burning away” of the self.
I am bipolar and bipolar disorder tore my life to shreds. Bipolar didn't build my character or make me more loving. For a time, I stopped psychiatric medications because I believed I had kundalini rather than bipolar disorder. However, my bipolar began in adolescence and was inherited from my grandmother, quite unlike the experience of St. Teresa. Still, I stopped my medication because I believed that if I took it, it would disrupt my spiritual process. When I couldn't take anymore of the life destruction caused by bipolar, I began to take it again. I believe now that no medication can stop God from manifesting. He's too powerful. He's manifesting for me now while I'm on medications and I'm still clinically stable. I don't know what I would do were I to go through what St. Teresa did. I would be even more skeptical of it all than she was, for the sake of my psychological health.
St. Teresa's transformation is not for the weak of heart. She is more courageous than any woman I have known or heard of. St. Teresa writes that there comes a point when God locks all the doors to the previous mansions and opens only the door leading to the seventh, where he dwells. As I read tomorrow, I will discover what happens when this occurs. Until then, I will share some favorite quotes from these chapters below:
"Oh, what blessed madness, sisters! If only God would give it to us all."
(through desire)“Life becomes sheer, though delectable torture.”
“Tears are the water which comes from Heaven.”
“Joy makes the soul so forgetful of itself and of everything that it is conscious of nothing, and able to speak of nothing, save of that which proceeds from it's joy-Namely, the praises of God.”
“The devil gives praises and delights which seem to be spiritual, but he cannot unite pain and great pain with tranquility and joy. Desire following this is no fear of suffering, but determination to suffer if need be.”
It could be said that for St. Teresa, life really began at forty. For almost twenty years, she struggled against desires for the world versus desires for God. A natural extravert, a girl described as “vain and vivacious” and “beautiful and she knew it,” St. Teresa went against her nature for a very long time. After age forty, her unusual experiences and ecstasies began. It could be said that she entered the seventh mansions at some point in her forties.
Shortly after, St. Teresa became a prioress and began founding Carmelite convents all over Spain. To do this, she fell back on her natural extroversion that had not ultimately been repressed all those years, but transformed. St. Teresa conducted business and dealt with a wide variety of complex social situations in a most skillful way, while maintaining the gifts of her profound inner journey.
However, she spent twenty years of her life berating herself for “worldly desires.” Now, it is not a bad thing, from my perspective, to desire worldly things. What matters most, however, is fulfillment from within. During the time St. Teresa lived, desires of the world were viewed differently. As a result, St. Teresa was in an environment that encouraged her to channel all of her desire upon union with God.
St. Teresa writes all sort of amazing things in these chapters. They are truly awe-inspiring. As amazing as her transformation was in the sixth mansions, it certainly wasn't all “fun and games.” Reading her work, I began to see the disillusionment I've had with my life at midlife as a true blessing. A few years back, I gave up on my goals in the world. I didn't get the home and family I wanted or the career I wanted. I felt like a failure in life.
Then I realized I could still accomplish one thing- to grow as near to God as I am capable in this lifetime. I've felt fulfilled ever since, not feeling I am “settling” for less in life, but deeply full within that divine connection. St. Teresa has taught me to realize what a gift my life has been, because God has brought about perfect circumstances to draw me near.
I feel blessed that I abandoned my previous “spiritual path” five years ago, because it wasn't for me. Towards the end, the dreams and meditation visions I had were nightmarish. I had to stop because it just felt incredibly wrong at the core of my being. For five years after, I was spiritually shut down, afraid to reach out again. This set me out on a path to approach the Christian mystics with a very open mind and more humility, based on my mistakes of the past. My past experiences have also helped me to appreciate each little thing so much more. As of today and reading these chapters, I feel unbelievably blessed.
The sixth mansions deal with spiritual matters of extreme emotional intensity. St. Teresa writes of visions, locutions, ecstacies and raptures. She writes of the death of the will, which is so intense one feels the body is also dying. She writes of deep, anguished suffering and grief because she cannot experience all that is God or give back nearly enough in response to the gifts given to her through grace. Although no one's spiritual journey will follow the exact pattern hers had, St. Teresa writes a thorough guidebook for anyone who might have some of these experiences, helping them to determine their authenticity, meaning and purpose. St. Teresa was gifted with an extraordinary range of them, so she had considerable experience.
However, these chapters are not about sensationalizing these, but rather celebrating all emotions, from grief to joy, with an immense desire to feel the entire human experience. There is but one over-riding theme: Dissolution of personal will through the deep intensification of desire for God. In fact, upon reading this, I now believe there is but one essential ingredient on the spiritual journey, which is relentless desire for God. Previously, I believed judgment of self and others was the most important thing, but it is not. All consuming desire is the key that unlocks the Kingdom of God.
Of course, with my background in psychology, I considered bipolar disorder as an explanation for St. Teresa's experiences. However, as I read through carefully, I discovered some essential differences between bipolar and the spiritual process of St. Teresa. The experiences she shares are described as “fleeting” and she feels deep peace and calm in between these “episodes.” By fleeting, she means, like a lightning flash or an emotional experience lasting just a few hours. These experiences occurred at a late stage of spiritual development. She was in her forties and had no history of these behaviors before. These experiences also went away in time. In addition, the theme of it all was quite the opposite of what is seen in mania. There is no self-aggrandizement but instead, a sense of the “burning away” of the self.
I am bipolar and bipolar disorder tore my life to shreds. Bipolar didn't build my character or make me more loving. For a time, I stopped psychiatric medications because I believed I had kundalini rather than bipolar disorder. However, my bipolar began in adolescence and was inherited from my grandmother, quite unlike the experience of St. Teresa. Still, I stopped my medication because I believed that if I took it, it would disrupt my spiritual process. When I couldn't take anymore of the life destruction caused by bipolar, I began to take it again. I believe now that no medication can stop God from manifesting. He's too powerful. He's manifesting for me now while I'm on medications and I'm still clinically stable. I don't know what I would do were I to go through what St. Teresa did. I would be even more skeptical of it all than she was, for the sake of my psychological health.
St. Teresa's transformation is not for the weak of heart. She is more courageous than any woman I have known or heard of. St. Teresa writes that there comes a point when God locks all the doors to the previous mansions and opens only the door leading to the seventh, where he dwells. As I read tomorrow, I will discover what happens when this occurs. Until then, I will share some favorite quotes from these chapters below:
"Oh, what blessed madness, sisters! If only God would give it to us all."
(through desire)“Life becomes sheer, though delectable torture.”
“Tears are the water which comes from Heaven.”
“Joy makes the soul so forgetful of itself and of everything that it is conscious of nothing, and able to speak of nothing, save of that which proceeds from it's joy-Namely, the praises of God.”
“The devil gives praises and delights which seem to be spiritual, but he cannot unite pain and great pain with tranquility and joy. Desire following this is no fear of suffering, but determination to suffer if need be.”
Thursday, September 23, 2010
St.Teresa of Avila As a Woman
This morning I began reading the chapters on the sixth mansions. There are eleven and I got through six. I've decided to wait until I finish them all before I write about them. Instead, today's blog is about St. Teresa as a woman. I'm writing about this because I've been thinking of it quite a lot through all these chapters.
The role of women during the times she wrote was very different than the roles today. Women were not allowed to teach spiritually. They were believed to be incapable of being “learned” in theology. Therefore, St. Teresa was not allowed to write authoritatively. Instead, she was only allowed to write about her experiences, in a journal format, of herself in relation to Christ. She also wrote repeatedly about how limited she believed her understanding was because she was a woman. In fact, in may ways, the whole book is a tirade of put-downs and about her womanliness and stupidity. She is even said to have often referred to herself as a “mujeralla,” or worthless little woman.
There is a slight possibility that St. Teresa wrote this way in part to save herself from the perils of the Inquisition and also the judgments of her confessors. St. Teresa once said, “Without a doubt, I'm more afraid of those who are so scared of the devil than I am of the devil himself!” However, it is much more probable that St. Teresa really believed herself to be woefully inadequate due to being a woman.
There's a great advantage in this: Unlike men who could speak and write with authority, St. Teresa is more personable in her accounts and perhaps more self-scrutinizing. She even writes at length about the difference between true rapture or ecstacy and “ordinary womanly weakness.” It is all the more troubling to me that Breuer, a colleague of Sigmund Freud, called her the “Patron Saint of Hysteria.” If he only knew the level of scrutiny both she and her superiors put her through, the low regard placed on female emotinality and the level of care she took to differentiate her states, he might be ashamed of making such an accusation. However, during Freud's time, “hysteria,” the women's illness, also belittled women and their capacities.
Because she is a woman, St. Teresa is able to speak of marriage to “His Majesty” (Christ). This marriage involves unique feminine emotions and needs. In fact, this “guidebook” she has written may speak more strongly to women than to men for this reason, although study of this book can also lend remarkable discovery to men. Did St. Teresa's view of herself as a woman at the time paradoxically lead to her message being all the more potent? God can make the best of topsy-turvy cultural beliefs sometimes, you know. The soul can grow regardless of the culture.
My boyfriend, who has read this book many times and benefited from it has noticed the difference between her description of “mansions” versus St. John of the Cross's allegory of “mountains” leading to God. Mansions are more domestic and womb-like, whereas the “mountain” imagery may be more male. Because of her femaleness, she is able to offer a unique perspective that may speak to people in different ways.
Did it matter how much St. Teresa put herself down? Why would a fully enlightened woman do such a thing? We all know you just don't do this in today's society without people thinking you are neurotic and sending you to self-esteem classes. It's almost the cardinal sin in many New Age traditions to judge yourself at all. I once attended a New Age gathering where we substituted the word “soul” for “wretch” in the song “Amazing Grace,” due to the concern that anyone might feel the slightest negativity against themselves.
It was just as bad to think well of yourself then as it is to think well of yourself now. About humility, St. Teresa wrote, “False humility constricts the soul and body, creating a dryness of spirit, while true humility is tranquil.” Apparently, viewing herself as a stupid wretch did not take away from her tranquility. Low self-esteem is just not a barrier to union with God, no matter how many workshops we attend to “fix it up.” Maybe what we refer to today as “good self esteem” isn't a barrier or a help in our spiritual process either. After reading St. Teresa's work, I just feel self-esteem and self-image in general is irrelevant to spiritual movement, although it is healthy for psychological movement and getting by in society. These are just two different things, I have come to understand.
Don't let your guru or minister become your therapist, and don't let your therapist become your spiritual adviser either. While pastoral counseling can be great, unless they are licensed pastoral therapists, go to therapists who are trained in treating mental illness. On the one hand, you have growth of the soul. On the other hand, you have needs to cope with and heal from trauma, for example. God can and does help us heal. But mix-and-match no longer works for me. I prefer Jungian therapy, as it does try to bridge the two, but I still do not consider Jung an authority on religion or a priest or minister an authority on my psyche. That's just my opinion, for what it's worth.
When St. Teresa was canonized in 1622, she was praised in the papal bull for “overcoming her female nature.” Thus, she became the very first female Doctor of the Catholic Church. What an amazing thing her female nature was, as it led her to the creation of such detailed and in-depth writings, and to such a rich and fulfilling life within herself and towards others. During a time when women were considered so much less than men, St. Teresa laid down a solid and tangible example of what fullness women (and men) can become.
The role of women during the times she wrote was very different than the roles today. Women were not allowed to teach spiritually. They were believed to be incapable of being “learned” in theology. Therefore, St. Teresa was not allowed to write authoritatively. Instead, she was only allowed to write about her experiences, in a journal format, of herself in relation to Christ. She also wrote repeatedly about how limited she believed her understanding was because she was a woman. In fact, in may ways, the whole book is a tirade of put-downs and about her womanliness and stupidity. She is even said to have often referred to herself as a “mujeralla,” or worthless little woman.
There is a slight possibility that St. Teresa wrote this way in part to save herself from the perils of the Inquisition and also the judgments of her confessors. St. Teresa once said, “Without a doubt, I'm more afraid of those who are so scared of the devil than I am of the devil himself!” However, it is much more probable that St. Teresa really believed herself to be woefully inadequate due to being a woman.
There's a great advantage in this: Unlike men who could speak and write with authority, St. Teresa is more personable in her accounts and perhaps more self-scrutinizing. She even writes at length about the difference between true rapture or ecstacy and “ordinary womanly weakness.” It is all the more troubling to me that Breuer, a colleague of Sigmund Freud, called her the “Patron Saint of Hysteria.” If he only knew the level of scrutiny both she and her superiors put her through, the low regard placed on female emotinality and the level of care she took to differentiate her states, he might be ashamed of making such an accusation. However, during Freud's time, “hysteria,” the women's illness, also belittled women and their capacities.
Because she is a woman, St. Teresa is able to speak of marriage to “His Majesty” (Christ). This marriage involves unique feminine emotions and needs. In fact, this “guidebook” she has written may speak more strongly to women than to men for this reason, although study of this book can also lend remarkable discovery to men. Did St. Teresa's view of herself as a woman at the time paradoxically lead to her message being all the more potent? God can make the best of topsy-turvy cultural beliefs sometimes, you know. The soul can grow regardless of the culture.
My boyfriend, who has read this book many times and benefited from it has noticed the difference between her description of “mansions” versus St. John of the Cross's allegory of “mountains” leading to God. Mansions are more domestic and womb-like, whereas the “mountain” imagery may be more male. Because of her femaleness, she is able to offer a unique perspective that may speak to people in different ways.
Did it matter how much St. Teresa put herself down? Why would a fully enlightened woman do such a thing? We all know you just don't do this in today's society without people thinking you are neurotic and sending you to self-esteem classes. It's almost the cardinal sin in many New Age traditions to judge yourself at all. I once attended a New Age gathering where we substituted the word “soul” for “wretch” in the song “Amazing Grace,” due to the concern that anyone might feel the slightest negativity against themselves.
It was just as bad to think well of yourself then as it is to think well of yourself now. About humility, St. Teresa wrote, “False humility constricts the soul and body, creating a dryness of spirit, while true humility is tranquil.” Apparently, viewing herself as a stupid wretch did not take away from her tranquility. Low self-esteem is just not a barrier to union with God, no matter how many workshops we attend to “fix it up.” Maybe what we refer to today as “good self esteem” isn't a barrier or a help in our spiritual process either. After reading St. Teresa's work, I just feel self-esteem and self-image in general is irrelevant to spiritual movement, although it is healthy for psychological movement and getting by in society. These are just two different things, I have come to understand.
Don't let your guru or minister become your therapist, and don't let your therapist become your spiritual adviser either. While pastoral counseling can be great, unless they are licensed pastoral therapists, go to therapists who are trained in treating mental illness. On the one hand, you have growth of the soul. On the other hand, you have needs to cope with and heal from trauma, for example. God can and does help us heal. But mix-and-match no longer works for me. I prefer Jungian therapy, as it does try to bridge the two, but I still do not consider Jung an authority on religion or a priest or minister an authority on my psyche. That's just my opinion, for what it's worth.
When St. Teresa was canonized in 1622, she was praised in the papal bull for “overcoming her female nature.” Thus, she became the very first female Doctor of the Catholic Church. What an amazing thing her female nature was, as it led her to the creation of such detailed and in-depth writings, and to such a rich and fulfilling life within herself and towards others. During a time when women were considered so much less than men, St. Teresa laid down a solid and tangible example of what fullness women (and men) can become.
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Interior Castle: Fifth Mansions-Union with God
I woke up at 6:30 am this morning, eager to see what could exist in the fifth mansions. I've only been allowing myself to tackle one level of the mansions at a time, and I've found just that is a huge chunk for me to understand, reflect on and integrate in my own way. Groggily, I opened the book, wondering what could possibly top the fourth mansions, since that was mind-blowing. The fifth mansions actually are about union with God, so I ate that up like candy. Now I'm perplexed because I had previously thought union with God was the ultimate goal of it all. Now, I'm even more intrigued with what comes next, but I won't look yet.
Let me share with you what I was able to read this morning. Strangely (to me) St. Teresa said that the majority of her nuns were able to get inside, but that few were able to attain all things in these mansions and move forward from them. This fullfillment of the "riches, treasures and delights" of the fifth mansion, she emphasized, must come from God's granting, not of any specific work towards the goal. In fact, she states "if we endeavor to attain it, we are following our will and not the will of God." The more I read, the more I wanted to attain the sights of the treasures in this mansion. Then I wondered what I desired more, the enjoyment and fun or God. God is not a Wii or a Playstation, after all.
No, it is not all fun and games in these mansions. There is a very unique grief, the grief shared with Christ. I never thought about this before, but Jesus grieved. I suppose I think of God as having no emotions, but being beyond them. But, he desires union with us. When a soul reaches this state, she is often overwhelmed with grief for all who cannot experience it. She grieves for all the ways her actions may have made God sad and for how others actions have made God sad. She even asserts that he may have been so very sad about these things that it gave Him more grief than the Passion. What a thought!
Thinking of and feeling for and with others is a very strong facet of life in these mansions. An entire chapter is dedicated to loving one's neighbor. St. Teresa also says, "and if anyone told me after reaching this state he enjoyed continual rest and joy, I should say that he has not reached it at all, but that he had only got as far as the previous mansions."
Once again, it had never occured to me that in union with God, we might feel the emotions of Christ. I believed it was all "happy happy joy joy," to quote Ren and Stimpy. St. Teresa writes that there are still "crosses to bear," and that that in the fifth mansion, one experiences "peace to a very high degree." Trials are met with serenity and trials bring peace and contentment. However, union with God is not all happy feelings, as I've thought and been told for years by New Age teachers. Why would I choose to follow her and not them? She has no motive to mislead. It is laughable to think she was in this for money or fame.
St.Teresa says that when you are in union with God, it is with absolute certainty. This does not mean you shouldn't question it. Always question motives. But, when you experience this, there will be no way to convince yourself it isn't absolutely real. Now, I have felt absolutely certain of things and then doubted them years later. So, I wondered about this. St.Teresa wrote this book fifteen years after she entered the fourth mansions for the first time. In those fifteen years, and far beyond the writing of this book, she continued to grow and develop, as she said we always should. "Love is not idle," she says.
Within these chapters, St.Teresa writes a beautiful parable of a silkworm developing into a white butterfly. The cocoon is Christ, in which she is transformed. She notes that the worm is doing no work to transform. It spins and falls asleep. Christ is doing the work. She calls this, "a deep state of prayer, deead to the world." Throughout this chapter, she writes about what she calls a "death of delight." Of course, she never uses the word "ego," but will. I believe "will" is more descriptive. We surrender our will and let God do His work.
A common occurrence during the time St.Teresa lived was for a nun to "swoon" and then become completely immobile for several hours or a day. The nun appeared dead, completely undistractible or responsive, still, yet not asleep, with eyes either open or closed. The soul was in a state beyond the body during this time, experiencing sensations and revelations far beyond what the bodily senses can fathom. Still, are these revelations real? St.Teresa says the soul is doubtful until it gains a great deal of experience. Imagination, dreaming, God, the devil.. there are so many things it may be. Yet, this state for some was a beginning phase of entering Divine Union. The "swooning" is a symbol of the death of the will.
Where will the butterfly go after it has emerged from the cocoon? St.Teresa leaves this as a mystery for now. She says that for this period, in this castle, the butterfly does not rest but flits constantly about doing God's work. It will rest somewhere she will not yet reveal in the seventh mansions.
What a ride this book is taking me on! I can't wait to read more tomorrow.
Let me share with you what I was able to read this morning. Strangely (to me) St. Teresa said that the majority of her nuns were able to get inside, but that few were able to attain all things in these mansions and move forward from them. This fullfillment of the "riches, treasures and delights" of the fifth mansion, she emphasized, must come from God's granting, not of any specific work towards the goal. In fact, she states "if we endeavor to attain it, we are following our will and not the will of God." The more I read, the more I wanted to attain the sights of the treasures in this mansion. Then I wondered what I desired more, the enjoyment and fun or God. God is not a Wii or a Playstation, after all.
No, it is not all fun and games in these mansions. There is a very unique grief, the grief shared with Christ. I never thought about this before, but Jesus grieved. I suppose I think of God as having no emotions, but being beyond them. But, he desires union with us. When a soul reaches this state, she is often overwhelmed with grief for all who cannot experience it. She grieves for all the ways her actions may have made God sad and for how others actions have made God sad. She even asserts that he may have been so very sad about these things that it gave Him more grief than the Passion. What a thought!
Thinking of and feeling for and with others is a very strong facet of life in these mansions. An entire chapter is dedicated to loving one's neighbor. St. Teresa also says, "and if anyone told me after reaching this state he enjoyed continual rest and joy, I should say that he has not reached it at all, but that he had only got as far as the previous mansions."
Once again, it had never occured to me that in union with God, we might feel the emotions of Christ. I believed it was all "happy happy joy joy," to quote Ren and Stimpy. St. Teresa writes that there are still "crosses to bear," and that that in the fifth mansion, one experiences "peace to a very high degree." Trials are met with serenity and trials bring peace and contentment. However, union with God is not all happy feelings, as I've thought and been told for years by New Age teachers. Why would I choose to follow her and not them? She has no motive to mislead. It is laughable to think she was in this for money or fame.
St.Teresa says that when you are in union with God, it is with absolute certainty. This does not mean you shouldn't question it. Always question motives. But, when you experience this, there will be no way to convince yourself it isn't absolutely real. Now, I have felt absolutely certain of things and then doubted them years later. So, I wondered about this. St.Teresa wrote this book fifteen years after she entered the fourth mansions for the first time. In those fifteen years, and far beyond the writing of this book, she continued to grow and develop, as she said we always should. "Love is not idle," she says.
Within these chapters, St.Teresa writes a beautiful parable of a silkworm developing into a white butterfly. The cocoon is Christ, in which she is transformed. She notes that the worm is doing no work to transform. It spins and falls asleep. Christ is doing the work. She calls this, "a deep state of prayer, deead to the world." Throughout this chapter, she writes about what she calls a "death of delight." Of course, she never uses the word "ego," but will. I believe "will" is more descriptive. We surrender our will and let God do His work.
A common occurrence during the time St.Teresa lived was for a nun to "swoon" and then become completely immobile for several hours or a day. The nun appeared dead, completely undistractible or responsive, still, yet not asleep, with eyes either open or closed. The soul was in a state beyond the body during this time, experiencing sensations and revelations far beyond what the bodily senses can fathom. Still, are these revelations real? St.Teresa says the soul is doubtful until it gains a great deal of experience. Imagination, dreaming, God, the devil.. there are so many things it may be. Yet, this state for some was a beginning phase of entering Divine Union. The "swooning" is a symbol of the death of the will.
Where will the butterfly go after it has emerged from the cocoon? St.Teresa leaves this as a mystery for now. She says that for this period, in this castle, the butterfly does not rest but flits constantly about doing God's work. It will rest somewhere she will not yet reveal in the seventh mansions.
What a ride this book is taking me on! I can't wait to read more tomorrow.
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