The Cloud of Unknowing: Reflections #1

This morning, I began my study of The Cloud of Unknowing, a work by an Anonymous author in about the fourteenth century. Uneducated about such things, I had previously believed that meditating directly on God without thought was an Eastern practice that Christians had adopted in fairly modern times. To see how far back this tradition is in the Christian tradition surprised me.

As I learned from St.Teresa of Avila, humility and desire for God are the two essential ingredients for any form of spiritual growth and fulfillment. Silencing thought is not, for St.Teresa did not attempt to do it, although it was the essential byproduct of her practice. St.Teresa was able to have many experiences completely unfathomable and unexplainable to others. Anonymous writes that what is required for contemplative prayer is "sincere and humble blind stirrings of love,"because “he is complete and can fill every longing.”

The “cloud of unknowing” is the absence of knowing between us and God. He recommends that we place all of our knowledge, good and bad, into the Cloud of Forgetting beneath us. St.Teresa writes how in the end, she naturally reached a point where she forgot herself. In the practice taught by Anonymous, this goal is sought secondarily to the foundations of humility and desire.

Anonymous describes three kinds of prayer: action, reflection (which includes both remorse and gratitude) and relating to the “cloud of unknowing.” He at first calls these “higher and lower” prayer. But then states, paradoxically that the highest is also the lowest. When I was following new Age practices and teachings, I also learned to meditate without thinking. It was amazing. But, here I am, starting over with my spiritual journey, wondering if I'm ready.

My first thought was that I'm not ready for this “higher prayer” because the lower is so fulfilling now. But, as I examined motives, I realized avoidance was based on fear. Specifically, the fear has been of misusing motives. Although I was urged to examine motives before, to avoid ego snags, that did not include avoiding self-indulgence as a motive. Whether I misconstrued these teachings or whether they did not include this is a mystery today. Regardless, Anonymous encourages using a “Naked Intent,” a beautiful way of describing purity of heart and will aligned to God's will.

When I began meditative prayer a few weeks ago, it was because James Finley's book, Christian Meditation, showed me the way. An example given was of meditating on just one verse. I chose the beatitude, “Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God.” As I had heard this in the past, I thought, “Hey, good. I'll see him. I know my heart is pure!” As I meditated much more deeply over a series of many days, I realized this could not be further from the truth. Instead of this being discouraging, it was to me the best realization ever. Was I seeing God all the time? Uh, no. So, uh, is my heart pure? Uh.. no.

I do not know if my intent is “naked.” Humility also is a puzzle. Every time I contemplate it, I get the same result. “No, not humble,” comes the verdict from my conscience. Fortunately, I read that St.Teresa grappled with this every day, to the end. We will just never be humble or pure enough. So, that is a good thing to realize, since thinking we've achieved it destroys the process of achieving it.It's the examination of the conscience that brings satisfaction if we look at it this way. As we always work on it, we're doing our best and that is all we can do at any given moment. Because of this, if we approach it this way, that would mean doing our best.

If we wait until we are “ready” to practice higher prayer (how Anonymous refers to “meditation,”) we will be waiting for Godot. Thanks to my reading, at least now I understand what the foundations are and what methods may help.

“Let whichever of you feels surest of herself fear most.” -St.Teresa of Avila

Seventh Mansions: God's Will United with Soul

Once again, I was continually surprised by what I read about the seventh mansions. St. Teresa describes what it is like to live in constant awareness of the union between self and God. She describes this “as if the ends of two wax candles were joined so that the light they give as one,” and also with the image of rain falling on a lake, so that one “cannot separate the water below from that which fell from the heavens.”

In what she calls the “Prayer of Union, “there is unwavering certainty of God and tranquility. The awareness of union with God never leaves. The raptures stop, except for brief occasions and even they do not cause “transportation or flights of spirit” as the soul is grounded in union with Christ. Suffering does not disturb her soul, although there are still trials and grief. St. Teresa describes the “state of forgetfulness” which feels as if the soul never existed. All that is left is “seeking the honor of God.”

St. Teresa explains an experience of feeling self as if divided at times between the Mary and Martha inside. The “Mary” part is always in praise and worship of Jesus and the “Martha” part is doing the work in the world. In the beginning, the Martha part is jealous of the Mary part, but in time, they learn to work together as one.

In the fifth mansions, St. Teresa gave us the example of the silkworm that was transformed into the white butterfly, through the cocoon of Christ. She told us that in the seventh house, we would learn where the butterfly came to rest. I was surprised to learn that the butterfly takes its rest in death. “The little butterfly dies because Christ is now its life.” The soul, so beautifully transformed by the Master in the fifth mansions has now ceased to need to be at all. Instead, St. Teresa speaks of becoming “extremely desirous of serving God,” so that nothing else now matters.

I had expected St. Teresa to talk of unending bliss and ecstasy, desiring from that point forward to lounge around like a Buddha statue. I had expected her to write about losing herself in God, or to somehow become God. She did not. She became more and more fulfilled in who she was as she became immersed with God and her will was laid to rest. Following this “death” the soul rests in eternal life, here and now.

In these chapters, St. Teresa stresses again the importance of humility throughout this process, stating, “Let whichever of you feels surest of herself fear most.” yet, when certainty that the soul is lost in Christ occurs, there can be no more fear.

St. Teresa has been a guide for me in exploring the potential of my soul. She has helped me to appreciate my experiences in life and to feel renewed purpose in living. She writes like a mother to children she cares about deeply, and that emotional presence is strong and steady. It will nurture the growth of any reader if he or she is receptive to it.

The journey has just begun. The consummation of the spiritual marriage “cannot be fulfilled properly in us during our lifetime,” she says.

Sixth Mansions: The Desire That Consumes the Will

“I spent almost twenty years on this stormy sea, falling and rising and bobbing again between the world's attractions and God.” -St. Teresa of Avila

It could be said that for St. Teresa, life really began at forty. For almost twenty years, she struggled against desires for the world versus desires for God. A natural extravert, a girl described as “vain and vivacious” and “beautiful and she knew it,” St. Teresa went against her nature for a very long time. After age forty, her unusual experiences and ecstasies began. It could be said that she entered the seventh mansions at some point in her forties.

Shortly after, St. Teresa became a prioress and began founding Carmelite convents all over Spain. To do this, she fell back on her natural extroversion that had not ultimately been repressed all those years, but transformed. St. Teresa conducted business and dealt with a wide variety of complex social situations in a most skillful way, while maintaining the gifts of her profound inner journey.

However, she spent twenty years of her life berating herself for “worldly desires.” Now, it is not a bad thing, from my perspective, to desire worldly things. What matters most, however, is fulfillment from within. During the time St. Teresa lived, desires of the world were viewed differently. As a result, St. Teresa was in an environment that encouraged her to channel all of her desire upon union with God.

St. Teresa writes all sort of amazing things in these chapters. They are truly awe-inspiring. As amazing as her transformation was in the sixth mansions, it certainly wasn't all “fun and games.” Reading her work, I began to see the disillusionment I've had with my life at midlife as a true blessing. A few years back, I gave up on my goals in the world. I didn't get the home and family I wanted or the career I wanted. I felt like a failure in life.

Then I realized I could still accomplish one thing- to grow as near to God as I am capable in this lifetime. I've felt fulfilled ever since, not feeling I am “settling” for less in life, but deeply full within that divine connection. St. Teresa has taught me to realize what a gift my life has been, because God has brought about perfect circumstances to draw me near.

I feel blessed that I abandoned my previous “spiritual path” five years ago, because it wasn't for me. Towards the end, the dreams and meditation visions I had were nightmarish. I had to stop because it just felt incredibly wrong at the core of my being. For five years after, I was spiritually shut down, afraid to reach out again. This set me out on a path to approach the Christian mystics with a very open mind and more humility, based on my mistakes of the past. My past experiences have also helped me to appreciate each little thing so much more. As of today and reading these chapters, I feel unbelievably blessed.

The sixth mansions deal with spiritual matters of extreme emotional intensity. St. Teresa writes of visions, locutions, ecstacies and raptures. She writes of the death of the will, which is so intense one feels the body is also dying. She writes of deep, anguished suffering and grief because she cannot experience all that is God or give back nearly enough in response to the gifts given to her through grace. Although no one's spiritual journey will follow the exact pattern hers had, St. Teresa writes a thorough guidebook for anyone who might have some of these experiences, helping them to determine their authenticity, meaning and purpose. St. Teresa was gifted with an extraordinary range of them, so she had considerable experience.

However, these chapters are not about sensationalizing these, but rather celebrating all emotions, from grief to joy, with an immense desire to feel the entire human experience. There is but one over-riding theme: Dissolution of personal will through the deep intensification of desire for God. In fact, upon reading this, I now believe there is but one essential ingredient on the spiritual journey, which is relentless desire for God. Previously, I believed judgment of self and others was the most important thing, but it is not. All consuming desire is the key that unlocks the Kingdom of God.

Of course, with my background in psychology, I considered bipolar disorder as an explanation for St. Teresa's experiences. However, as I read through carefully, I discovered some essential differences between bipolar and the spiritual process of St. Teresa. The experiences she shares are described as “fleeting” and she feels deep peace and calm in between these “episodes.” By fleeting, she means, like a lightning flash or an emotional experience lasting just a few hours. These experiences occurred at a late stage of spiritual development. She was in her forties and had no history of these behaviors before. These experiences also went away in time. In addition, the theme of it all was quite the opposite of what is seen in mania. There is no self-aggrandizement but instead, a sense of the “burning away” of the self.

I am bipolar and bipolar disorder tore my life to shreds. Bipolar didn't build my character or make me more loving. For a time, I stopped psychiatric medications because I believed I had kundalini rather than bipolar disorder. However, my bipolar began in adolescence and was inherited from my grandmother, quite unlike the experience of St. Teresa. Still, I stopped my medication because I believed that if I took it, it would disrupt my spiritual process. When I couldn't take anymore of the life destruction caused by bipolar, I began to take it again. I believe now that no medication can stop God from manifesting. He's too powerful. He's manifesting for me now while I'm on medications and I'm still clinically stable. I don't know what I would do were I to go through what St. Teresa did. I would be even more skeptical of it all than she was, for the sake of my psychological health.

St. Teresa's transformation is not for the weak of heart. She is more courageous than any woman I have known or heard of. St. Teresa writes that there comes a point when God locks all the doors to the previous mansions and opens only the door leading to the seventh, where he dwells. As I read tomorrow, I will discover what happens when this occurs. Until then, I will share some favorite quotes from these chapters below:

"Oh, what blessed madness, sisters! If only God would give it to us all."

(through desire)“Life becomes sheer, though delectable torture.”

“Tears are the water which comes from Heaven.”

“Joy makes the soul so forgetful of itself and of everything that it is conscious of nothing, and able to speak of nothing, save of that which proceeds from it's joy-Namely, the praises of God.”

“The devil gives praises and delights which seem to be spiritual, but he cannot unite pain and great pain with tranquility and joy. Desire following this is no fear of suffering, but determination to suffer if need be.”

St.Teresa of Avila As a Woman

This morning I began reading the chapters on the sixth mansions. There are eleven and I got through six. I've decided to wait until I finish them all before I write about them. Instead, today's blog is about St. Teresa as a woman. I'm writing about this because I've been thinking of it quite a lot through all these chapters.

The role of women during the times she wrote was very different than the roles today. Women were not allowed to teach spiritually. They were believed to be incapable of being “learned” in theology. Therefore, St. Teresa was not allowed to write authoritatively. Instead, she was only allowed to write about her experiences, in a journal format, of herself in relation to Christ. She also wrote repeatedly about how limited she believed her understanding was because she was a woman. In fact, in may ways, the whole book is a tirade of put-downs and about her womanliness and stupidity. She is even said to have often referred to herself as a “mujeralla,” or worthless little woman.

There is a slight possibility that St. Teresa wrote this way in part to save herself from the perils of the Inquisition and also the judgments of her confessors. St. Teresa once said, “Without a doubt, I'm more afraid of those who are so scared of the devil than I am of the devil himself!” However, it is much more probable that St. Teresa really believed herself to be woefully inadequate due to being a woman.

There's a great advantage in this: Unlike men who could speak and write with authority, St. Teresa is more personable in her accounts and perhaps more self-scrutinizing. She even writes at length about the difference between true rapture or ecstacy and “ordinary womanly weakness.” It is all the more troubling to me that Breuer, a colleague of Sigmund Freud, called her the “Patron Saint of Hysteria.” If he only knew the level of scrutiny both she and her superiors put her through, the low regard placed on female emotinality and the level of care she took to differentiate her states, he might be ashamed of making such an accusation. However, during Freud's time, “hysteria,” the women's illness, also belittled women and their capacities.

Because she is a woman, St. Teresa is able to speak of marriage to “His Majesty” (Christ). This marriage involves unique feminine emotions and needs. In fact, this “guidebook” she has written may speak more strongly to women than to men for this reason, although study of this book can also lend remarkable discovery to men. Did St. Teresa's view of herself as a woman at the time paradoxically lead to her message being all the more potent? God can make the best of topsy-turvy cultural beliefs sometimes, you know. The soul can grow regardless of the culture.

My boyfriend, who has read this book many times and benefited from it has noticed the difference between her description of “mansions” versus St. John of the Cross's allegory of “mountains” leading to God. Mansions are more domestic and womb-like, whereas the “mountain” imagery may be more male. Because of her femaleness, she is able to offer a unique perspective that may speak to people in different ways.

Did it matter how much St. Teresa put herself down? Why would a fully enlightened woman do such a thing? We all know you just don't do this in today's society without people thinking you are neurotic and sending you to self-esteem classes. It's almost the cardinal sin in many New Age traditions to judge yourself at all. I once attended a New Age gathering where we substituted the word “soul” for “wretch” in the song “Amazing Grace,” due to the concern that anyone might feel the slightest negativity against themselves.

It was just as bad to think well of yourself then as it is to think well of yourself now. About humility, St. Teresa wrote, “False humility constricts the soul and body, creating a dryness of spirit, while true humility is tranquil.” Apparently, viewing herself as a stupid wretch did not take away from her tranquility. Low self-esteem is just not a barrier to union with God, no matter how many workshops we attend to “fix it up.” Maybe what we refer to today as “good self esteem” isn't a barrier or a help in our spiritual process either. After reading St. Teresa's work, I just feel self-esteem and self-image in general is irrelevant to spiritual movement, although it is healthy for psychological movement and getting by in society. These are just two different things, I have come to understand.

Don't let your guru or minister become your therapist, and don't let your therapist become your spiritual adviser either. While pastoral counseling can be great, unless they are licensed pastoral therapists, go to therapists who are trained in treating mental illness. On the one hand, you have growth of the soul. On the other hand, you have needs to cope with and heal from trauma, for example. God can and does help us heal. But mix-and-match no longer works for me. I prefer Jungian therapy, as it does try to bridge the two, but I still do not consider Jung an authority on religion or a priest or minister an authority on my psyche. That's just my opinion, for what it's worth.

When St. Teresa was canonized in 1622, she was praised in the papal bull for “overcoming her female nature.” Thus, she became the very first female Doctor of the Catholic Church. What an amazing thing her female nature was, as it led her to the creation of such detailed and in-depth writings, and to such a rich and fulfilling life within herself and towards others. During a time when women were considered so much less than men, St. Teresa laid down a solid and tangible example of what fullness women (and men) can become.

Interior Castle: Fifth Mansions-Union with God

I woke up at 6:30 am this morning, eager to see what could exist in the fifth mansions. I've only been allowing myself to tackle one level of the mansions at a time, and I've found just that is a huge chunk for me to understand, reflect on and integrate in my own way. Groggily, I opened the book, wondering what could possibly top the fourth mansions, since that was mind-blowing. The fifth mansions actually are about union with God, so I ate that up like candy. Now I'm perplexed because I had previously thought union with God was the ultimate goal of it all. Now, I'm even more intrigued with what comes next, but I won't look yet.

Let me share with you what I was able to read this morning. Strangely (to me) St. Teresa said that the majority of her nuns were able to get inside, but that few were able to attain all things in these mansions and move forward from them. This fullfillment of the "riches, treasures and delights" of the fifth mansion, she emphasized, must come from God's granting, not of any specific work towards the goal. In fact, she states "if we endeavor to attain it, we are following our will and not the will of God." The more I read, the more I wanted to attain the sights of the treasures in this mansion. Then I wondered what I desired more, the enjoyment and fun or God. God is not a Wii or a Playstation, after all.

No, it is not all fun and games in these mansions. There is a very unique grief, the grief shared with Christ. I never thought about this before, but Jesus grieved. I suppose I think of God as having no emotions, but being beyond them. But, he desires union with us. When a soul reaches this state, she is often overwhelmed with grief for all who cannot experience it. She grieves for all the ways her actions may have made God sad and for how others actions have made God sad. She even asserts that he may have been so very sad about these things that it gave Him more grief than the Passion. What a thought!

Thinking of and feeling for and with others is a very strong facet of life in these mansions. An entire chapter is dedicated to loving one's neighbor. St. Teresa also says, "and if anyone told me after reaching this state he enjoyed continual rest and joy, I should say that he has not reached it at all, but that he had only got as far as the previous mansions."

Once again, it had never occured to me that in union with God, we might feel the emotions of Christ. I believed it was all "happy happy joy joy," to quote Ren and Stimpy. St. Teresa writes that there are still "crosses to bear," and that that in the fifth mansion, one experiences "peace to a very high degree." Trials are met with serenity and trials bring peace and contentment. However, union with God is not all happy feelings, as I've thought and been told for years by New Age teachers. Why would I choose to follow her and not them? She has no motive to mislead. It is laughable to think she was in this for money or fame.

St.Teresa says that when you are in union with God, it is with absolute certainty. This does not mean you shouldn't question it. Always question motives. But, when you experience this, there will be no way to convince yourself it isn't absolutely real. Now, I have felt absolutely certain of things and then doubted them years later. So, I wondered about this. St.Teresa wrote this book fifteen years after she entered the fourth mansions for the first time. In those fifteen years, and far beyond the writing of this book, she continued to grow and develop, as she said we always should. "Love is not idle," she says.

Within these chapters, St.Teresa writes a beautiful parable of a silkworm developing into a white butterfly. The cocoon is Christ, in which she is transformed. She notes that the worm is doing no work to transform. It spins and falls asleep. Christ is doing the work. She calls this, "a deep state of prayer, deead to the world." Throughout this chapter, she writes about what she calls a "death of delight." Of course, she never uses the word "ego," but will. I believe "will" is more descriptive. We surrender our will and let God do His work.

A common occurrence during the time St.Teresa lived was for a nun to "swoon" and then become completely immobile for several hours or a day. The nun appeared dead, completely undistractible or responsive, still, yet not asleep, with eyes either open or closed. The soul was in a state beyond the body during this time, experiencing sensations and revelations far beyond what the bodily senses can fathom. Still, are these revelations real? St.Teresa says the soul is doubtful until it gains a great deal of experience. Imagination, dreaming, God, the devil.. there are so many things it may be. Yet, this state for some was a beginning phase of entering Divine Union. The "swooning" is a symbol of the death of the will.

Where will the butterfly go after it has emerged from the cocoon? St.Teresa leaves this as a mystery for now. She says that for this period, in this castle, the butterfly does not rest but flits constantly about doing God's work. It will rest somewhere she will not yet reveal in the seventh mansions.

What a ride this book is taking me on! I can't wait to read more tomorrow.

Interior Castle-Fourth Mansions: Uniting with the Supernatural

I did not realize until reading the three chapters on the fourth mansions how much is happening in the third mansions. It is subtle, yet profound. Shifts of consciousness are occurring as the soul forms a new foundation-a security not in emotional or mental states, but on the unexplainable. This leads to the remarkable “flip-flop” St. Teresa describes in these chapters. Just when you thought you weren't getting anywhere and you realized it didn't matter, voila!

In these mansions, “senses gradually lose hold while the soul regains its lost control. The soul enters within itself and rises above itself” through the process of “prayer of recollection.” She writes that the soul is “united with the supernatural.” It is fitting to point out that the “supernatural” is not necessarily God or the fullness of God, but a start in this journey. These mansions of the soul are a radically different state-a very big leap!

St. Teresa writes, “Poisonous creatures seldom enter, and if they do, they prove quite harmless-in fact, they do the soul good.” At this stage, emotions and thoughts are not a threat to the experience of God and the soul “enlarges” becoming more and more loving.”Love much,” she writes, “Do then whatever arouses you to God.”She writes that the soul can be united with the supernatural “while thought stays trapped in outer mansions.” In other words, you can dwell in the fourth mansion although not all of your consciousness is there.

Through the “prayer of recollection,” she writes that the “senses and faculties” wander for days and years and come back but don't re-enter the castle because habits have been formed “that are hard to conquer.” St. Teresa says that God perceives good intention and in his mercy, pulls them back. So, there is nothing for the soul to do but trust the process at this point. She makes a point of saying that you don't have to try to cease thought. Neither does the soul feel “servile fear” as the “heart enlarges.” “Leave the soul in God's hands and resign as much as possible to the will of God.”

In these chapters, St. Teresa writes at length about definitions of spiritual experience. Her main point is that the blessings and “interior dilation” that surpass understanding that come at this stage do not occur at all through our own efforts. She describes this experience as “the greatest peace and quietness, delight.” Paradoxically, the only way this can occur is to love God without motive of self-interest and even to suffer without desire for consolation.

In the four hours I studied only these mansions this morning, I pondered and reflected on many things. I realized that I am no longer seeking bliss. I no longer want to always be happy and always in love. For the first time in my life, paradoxically, longing itself is intensely fulfilling. I don't know what I hope to accomplish or why. Today, I am very happy and I have been for some time now. But that is not why I am studying this. I'm studying this because I desire authenticity. No, I don't want to become a nun and go and live in some cloister, as St. Teresa did. Still, I can learn from her many years of very hard work how to go about my own journey.

St. Teresa writes about authentic versus “counterfeit” spiritual experiences. She also writes about the very real danger of pride at this stage. I wondered many things as I read. I wondered about souls who experience intense spiritual states who do not yet dwell in these mansions. I also wondered why a soul that arrives here would ever leave. I reflected upon the many times I've been drawn intensely inward into the “interior castle”and then pulled back out abruptly, afraid to return again.

Sometimes, traumatic experiences do this. Sometimes, pride does this. It can unravel everything. As I reflected, I began to see that it is a gift if a soul falls back to outer mansions due to pride, rather than to let it stay in the fourth mansions, corrupted. Many enter these mansions with pure hearts and somehow lose the ability to evaluate their motives. This may be why we have the Sai Babas of the world, performing “miracles” while basking in egotistical glory.

What about people, and I believe this includes most of us, who experience a taste of the supernatural when we have not yet done the work involved to dwell in the fourth mansions? Grace, perhaps, through God's favors may be the cause. Another possibility is what St. Teresa describes as the “counterfeit” experience. From St. Teresa's description of “counterfeit” experiences, I saw that these are basically a waste of time, other than the fact that they feel good. Another marker of counterfeit experience is that the soul believes it worked for it. It also does not “enlarge the heart” in a lasting way.

I believe psychedelic drugs would be an example of this. People on psychedelic drugs may realize extraordinary spiritual truths which they do not even remember when their “trip” is over. While some may actually come to believe in God through such an experience, it is not the same as is the natural extension of a life of devotion to God. Mania would be another example. I once had a profound spiritual experience while manic. I felt such bliss I could not stop crying from the waves of ecstasy and it went on and on. It was not a waste of time. I did believe I had somehow done this to myself through hard work, however and that I had become special. I do not believe my heart was enlarged. I did become happier, more productive and more successful in the time following, but this was a difference in the world and did not bring true movement towards the inner mansions. The “proof is in the pudding” as they say.

The task of the fourth mansions is to learn to differentiate supernatural states, to maintain humility and to let go and let God do His work.

St. Teresa of Avila's Third Mansions-Detachment and Transition

No chapters have been more difficult for me than St. Teresa of Avila's writing about the third mansions. These chapters are less “cut and dried,” contain almost no imagery, and St. Teresa makes several digressions from the main topic. In addition, the teachings were confusing to me because it went so far against my suppositions about spirituality and of what I have been taught about fear. Therefore, I read very carefully many times over and reflected more than usual on each section to achieve a sense of clarity.

She begins by referring back to the first two mansions, discussing, “how good it is to walk in fear.” This “threw me” because I have long believed that to be spiritual is to avoid fear and fear-based thinking. However, I began to see the role and place for fear in the early work. I'm not sure it can be avoided anyway, for a beginner in contemplative prayer and meditation. So, it was reassuring that the fear can indeed be a friend and guide.

In the same early chapter, St. Teresa writes, “Let us leave our reason and our fears in His hands and let us forget the weakness of our nature which is apt to cause us much worry.” Because of this, I believe the third mansions are a transitional stage, one in which we are moving away from the need for fear in our journey. St. Teresa writes that occasionally during this time of transition we sometimes experience consolation. This is “when he occasionally invites up to see what is happening in the other mansions so that we may prepare to enter them.”

Stranger still, she describes who we can learn from. She says, "Select a man completely disillusioned with the things of this world." For me, this was beautiful, as I reflected on my own disillusionment at times. We can look ahead to the stories of fulfillment and peace from they who have been disillusioned and continued onward to reap rewards.

St. Teresa writes about how detachment is learned at this stage. There is commonly much frustration and restlessness “for they cannot do as they would like to do and control their feelings all at once.” In addition to this frustration, St. Teresa writes about “aridity” in prayer, which is a dry, parched feeling that feels unfulfilling. During this time, she suggests that we “not focus on our weakness,” but build our sense of inner security in God with or without consolation. From our past fear and defensiveness comes security, although the fear initially serves a good purpose.

St. Teresa has written The Interior Castle about her own experience as well as the experiences she has observed in her developing nuns, whose growth she nurtured. I felt distrustful of these passages, and continued to feel perplexed. Part of this was because I had previously read, Teresa of Avila-Progress of a Soul, a biography by Cathleen Medwick. In this book, I read how St. Teresa regularly fell into ecstacies, of which both Teresa and the Church were skeptical and they wondered if came from a demonic source. Other nuns reportedly witnessed her levitate while in prayer on certain occasions. Josef Breuer, a colleague of Sigmund Freud, referred to her as the “patron saint of hysteria.”

How odd it struck me that someone like this would spend so many years plodding so soberly through these first three difficult mansions! Clearly, as I have read this outline of the spiritual journey, I realized it was not about what we call the “woo-woo” experiences of spirituality today. Sometimes, I reflect on her experiences in these first three mansions, and they look anguishingly boring and difficult. She does not suggest we “meditate on love” or try to make ourselves feel good. It's an undertaking of steel commitment. I thought about Breuer and wondered just how deeply he had studied St. Teresa before coming to his conclusion. As I reflected on these things, I was assured by how how much I can trust St. Teresa. This realization is on my own accord, and not of external confirmation, such as how she became the first female “Doctor of the Church” in history.

Thus, my perspective was changed. I began to pray, as St. Teresa did: “The happiness we should pray for is the complete security of the blessed.” In learning to detach from fear and desire, and to focus on patience on our process, for so long as it shall take, we begin to find security in that which is beyond good feelings, negative feelings or the lack of feelings. Through allowing ourselves to be tested as we grow in this security, the doors begin to open to the fourth mansions.

Interior Castle, Second Mansions: Change of Will

This morning, I have continued my study of The Interior Castle by St. Teresa of Avila, and supplemented it with my newly arrived book, The Could of Unknowing, by Anonymous, translated by Carmen Acevedo Butcher. Happily, these two texts fit together beautifully in my growing awareness.

In yesterday's blog post, I discussed the entry into the internal castle, which is based on prayer, and its first mansions, which are dark and full of "reptiles." A network of mansions surrounds the center, which is Christ. The task of entering the first mansion is to learn both humility and trust for that which you do not understand. I see that there are two options at the point of the first mansions.

One option is to run back out through the gate and to seek comfort and security in the things of the world, such as a romantic partner, alcohol, drugs, compulsive tv, etc. We've been taught that love and God may only be found within ourselves, but usually first-time meditators find themselves caught in the first mansions St.Teresa describes. It is dark. It is hard to stop thinking. Emotional disturbances happen. We are sometimes beset with anxious or terrifying thoughts. It is no wonder so many give the practice up, although we do have another option.

Anonymous, in the Cloud of Unknowing, writes, "Make your home in the darkness." For me, it is better to live in the darkness within than the falseness outside. As St.Teresa writes, "Outside the castle, it(the soul) will find neither security or peace." It is okay to make our home in the darkness, because we know deep down that we can find our way through it to the center.

Some people find, when they begin meditation, that they also need psychotherapy. This can help to brave the world within. When overwhelmed, it is fine to run back out but then to enter in again with a professional. However the method we use in exploring the first mansions, there reaches a point where we know it is time to go deeper. One indicator is that we are no longer feeling threatened in our journey within, although some, St.Teresa writes, "get to the second mansion through the desire to flee the first." She then writes, "All powers of hell try to drive the soul back to the first mansion."

The difference in these two levels of mansions is that in the second mansions, there is a little more light and the soul can hear for the first time. The soul can hear God calling. The soul then becomes consumed by grief by not being able to respond. So, in many ways, St.Teresa considers this mansion full of more suffering.

To go forward, St.Teresa writes takes "fixed determination to risk everything rather than return to the first mansions." This morning as I was reading Cloud of Knowing, I came upon the phrase, "naked intent," which the Cloud's author describes as being essential. Purity of intent fixes detrmination upon seeking God. Anonymous writes, in the Cloud of Unknowing, that "You only need a naked intent for God--when you yearn for Him, it is enough."

In the second mansions, we experience a deepening of the experience in the first. Humility deepens. Desire for God deepens. We are moving farther away from worldly concerns as we move towards the middle, where Christ dwells. My understanding so far of the Cloud of Unknowing is that the darkness is of knowing what you don't know and it is also what you have forgotten. Forgetting the pull of outside influences begins the process of alignment towards God's reign.

The supreme gift of the second mansions is that the will "inclines to love God."

"The will shows the soul how the true love never leaves it, but goes with it everywhere and gives it life and being." -St.Teresa of Avila

Learning to Trust: Interior Castle by St.Teresa of Avila

Sometimes, when we go through trauma, it is difficult to know whom or what to trust. Complicating that, when entering a spiritual path, we are often taught not to trust our minds. On top of that, because we are hurting, we crave comfort and consolation. Therefore, sometimes whatever thought makes us feel better is often chosen, true or not. Love is not always comfort and consolation, yet when we are in the depths of pain, we seek it strongly and without question.

All of the above factors place us in a very vulnerable position. In this state, it is easy to be manipulated. As I was pondering what is safe to trust, I came upon a book called Interior Castle by St. Teresa of Avila. St. Teresa writes about our inner life as a castle containing many manor houses. The center is where Christ dwells. In the midst of psychic pain, it is understandable to want to jump to the middle to be with Christ. However, St. Teresa advises us to begin by opening the door to the castle and to explore what we can experience at the outer-most level.

Starting with humility is the only way to move towards the innermost mansion. You may have already been told not to trust your mind, because it can stand in the way of direct experience of God, but St. Teresa cautions us to question our desires as well. What do we most want in life? Is it a new car, a new house, a new career or a romantic partner? If so, it is difficult to even open the door to the interior castle. While desiring material things or success in the world is not wrong, to undertake the interior journey is to desire union with God above all things. Some people never have and never will. In fact, few are called to the contemplative life. Those who are will find guidance through St. Teresa's writing, as she is an excellent tour guide of the interior castle, having immersed herself in the castle thoroughly as she dwelled in it.

We all know people who live for television and beer after work, who day after day seem to have no need to ponder the meaning of life or their relationship to God. This isn't wrong. They are simply not called to do so. If you are reading this, you are probably called by grace. It is certainly nothing you have done of your own volition. However, you stand outside the gate with all the reality show addicts and others, but unlike them, you have a desire to go inside. This desire opens the gate.

St. Teresa describes this room as dark. You can barely see. The light of Christ allows you to see, but very little. You are surrounded by what she describes as “reptiles.” As I read this, I imagined snakes and crocodiles. I imagined that these reptiles represented by compulsive desires to think at the expense of faith, to be trapped in negativity, and to desire other things than God before Him. These reptiles are everywhere! Is this a pleasant meditation for someone who has experienced trauma? I would think not. However, as you walk through this room, you learn that the only way to get through this mansion is to discover the things you can trust.

As I moved through this meditation, I noticed how carefully I was placing my feet, so as not to bump into anything, especially not a reptile! I discovered I could trust my steps. I also discovered that I could trust my breath, as this reminded me that I was visualizing this world as my body sat safe in my chair.

Through making these careful steps, I learned I could trust my humility, my patience and my deliberateness. By not giving over emotional energy to the reptiles, I was safe and well. So it is similar that survivors of trauma may also learn to trust simple things. You are trusting no man. You are learning to walk in alignment with God's will.

For those afraid of snakes or of being in dimly lit rooms, I would say, avoid this meditation. In some cases, facing this exercise anyway may help you to discover untapped courage. However, you can still practice the essence of it in your daily life, through remembering to trust what is simple and to direct your desires toward God.

Will Stopping Judgment Automatically Lead to Peace?

The Voice of Knowledge, by don Miguel Ruiz, describes the way that the “knowledge of good and evil” led to the fall from the Garden of Eden. This knowledge, or judgment and other activity of the mind, stands in the way of peace. If we could unravel our judgments, we could then return to the Garden of Eden. When I first read this teaching, it made sense. I automatically thought of all the verses of the Bible teaching against judgment, and of the ultimate sacrifice of Christ granting redemption. It never occurred to me to ask questions about it. I was afraid to trust my mind.

However, today I have asked questions. Can merely stopping judgment return us to the state described in the Garden of Eden? Is judgment synonymous with ego? With sin? When we stop judging, are we thus filled only with unconditional love? Is our current instinctual state the same as it was in the Garden of Eden? Can it be? Will we naturally be loving if we cease judgment? Is our true nature to be self-seeking and pleasure seeking or is to be selfless?

The description of The Voice of Knowledge on the Amazon website states:
“What Ruiz calls "the voice of knowledge" others spiritual teachers might call ego--the hidden and carefully defended belief system that prevents us from living and expressing who we really are." But, is Ruiz really describing anything at all synonymous with the ego? And, is it only the belief system we defend that stands in the way of our true self?

Miguel is right that stopping judgment is critical to return to inner peace. However, he is wrong that this is the only thing required. Yes, the heart of the Christian tradition is love and forgiveness, but it is also based on the desire to live as Christ did. The heart of his message is to love God with your whole heart, soul and mind. That means not to put other things before God, like pursuit of wealth, pursuit of sex, and pursuit of belief that if you want something, so should it be. Jesus did say, “Ask in my name and you shall receive,” but key here is “in my name.”To pray for a million dollars and attach Jesus's name upon it is not what he was talking about. “In my name,” would be to put unselfish desires before selfish ones. Otherwise, we are still intent, as the serpent promised, on ruling the universe. There was more to eating of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil than curiosity alone. Pride was involved. Adam and Eve wanted to “be like gods.”

Yet, are we not God? True, there is no place where God ends and we begin, but our brains are tiny and God is infinite. Therefore, if our puny desires are considered more important then fitting into God's overall plan, we will thus be endlessly disappointed and deluded. Our version of the Garden of Eden may or may not be what God created. But what if we do not “attach” to those desires? What if we have no regard to outcome while still passionately proclaiming what we want? Still, there is the problem of pride. Is not attaching to outcome a trick we are using so we can “manifest” our wants? Is it just a way of shielding us from pain if God says, “no?” I don't remember Jesus saying, “I will help you manifest your heart's desires.” Using “love energy” to believe in your ability is the same as using Jesus's name to demand what you want, expecting it to be given. Which is stronger here: our desire for what we want or our desire to discover what God wants? That is the question. How can we strengthen our desire for God?

What is love? If we were free of judgment, would we be naturally loving, because that is our true nature? Grace and redemption do not change the effects of original sin. One of those effects is the struggle between our will and God's. It continues. People who love with “unconditional love” still have to cope with this dilemma. They are not immune. Do you remember the story in the Lord of the Rings? The Ring gives you the power to will whatever you want. Everyone initially believes they will do nothing but good with the ring, but slowly they become completely corrupted.

We are here on earth to be “like God,” following Christ's example. We are not here to be “as God” following our whims and fancies. It is true that many people feel undeserving and may be creating a life for themselves that does not bring rewards, for that reason. But, does it then follow that people should feel fully deserving of all things for their own sake? The over-entitled life has nothing whatsoever to do with love. Good luck to those who feel abundant, create abundance, etc. Whatever they're full of, its not going to bring them any closer to lasting peace.

The latest book by Ruiz, The Fifth Agreement, advises us to "be skeptical." On that subject, I agree with him.

“The night is nearly over; the day is almost here. So let us put aside the deeds of darkness and put on the armor of light. 13Let us behave decently, as in the daytime, not in orgies and drunkenness, not in sexual immorality and debauchery, not in dissension and jealousy. 14Rather, clothe yourselves with the Lord Jesus Christ, and do not think about how to gratify the desires of the sinful nature.”
Romans 13:12-14

Seeking the Truth

It might be incorrectly inferred from my last post that I am defending the Catholic Church. Well, I'm not even Catholic. Still, I don't believe they deserve to be demonized because someone has a difference of opinion. I have actually been Episcopalian for 15 years, despite a six year journey into New Age spirituality. I've considered becoming Catholic many times, but I have some differences in beliefs that fit better with Episcopalianism.

It is more important to deal with our psychological issues around religion than it is to decide who's right and who's wrong. Being human, we are each going to have our own interpretation of everything, including the Bible. Almost every church I know of believes they are right and everyone else is wrong. Some even go so far as to call others “false teachers.” On the other end of the spectrum are New Agers who believe no one is wrong and that everyone is right.. unless, of course, the organization is drawing attention to moral issues, judgment and guilt. That, most New Agers would agree, would be wrong.

There is a sense of inner security to be found in both positions. If I am right and everyone else is wrong, I can feel confident in my faith. If no one is right or wrong, then I am free from examining my motives and be guided by “what feels good,” which obviously isn't guilt-based. Realizing that we are all humans trying to find our way is not a “feel good” or secure position. Everyone, regardless of where they fall on the continuum I outlined, is afraid of being “misled.” So, we recoil in fear and blame others. Also, we are often drawn to beliefs and faiths that meet psychological needs, whether to feel safe or to mentally escape a lifetime of perceived oppression and judgment.

The Catholic Church has a 2000 year history. Protestant churches are babies by comparison. Like Buddhists, Catholics have a rich history of practicing meditation and preserving this tradition. This is something I do not find often in Protestant churches. When Protestants do meditate, they seem to start from scratch, which to me is like re-inventing the wheel. But, I am not talking about beliefs here, but practices and stances toward meditation. As far as beliefs are concerned, the Catholic Church has admitted being wrong many times through the centuries and made changes to remedy problems. Still, they preserve the best of what they feel is truth. So, I am not angry at them for not changing it all on a dime because someone disagrees.

Just because an idea is new and fresh does not make it better. Religious Science, to me, is a case-in-point. But, being humans, we can only express opinion, as I am doing here. Ultimate truth is known only to God. Most seekers, whether they be Christian, Buddhist or New Age, do sincerely seek the truth. There are those who intentionally mislead others with profit motives, or who encourage violence in the name of God. These, most would agree, are true False Teachers with capital letters. However, many times New Age followers are led to believe that profit motives are good. At that point, a wide range of abuses may occur, and because judgment is a no-no, there is no way to sort out what to believe.

I do not believe Matthew Fox is a false teacher. His philosophy is ripe with life and creative energy which is very good. He just doesn't tell the whole story of Christ as I see Him. Also, his beliefs do not oppose the basic catechism of the Episcopal Church. His areas of difference with Catholics are not considered critical to the Episcopal catechism. So, both he and I have found a home. But, I may awaken one day and discover I'm wrong, just like Fox felt he was wrong. I may be fifty and switch religions. I don't feel animosity towards him for differences in opinion. I merely see in him an anger at Catholicism and an insistence that they change for him which permeates his website. It concerns me. But, what concerns me now is that I am working through anger at the New Age Movement. I feel the victim of other's selfishness, but what's important now is strengthening myself so I'm not fooled again. So, today, I'm feeling more at peace with it. I'm not going to insist they change for me.

A thought occurred to me this morning: There is no threat to the Truth. None. We really have nothing to fear, because the truth will not be tainted by our mistakes in our sincere searching. We can't damage it. We can damage ourselves, true, but we can learn from it and move on in our awareness. It is most harmful of all to avoid questioning, acceptance of our humanness and the desire to grow closer to God as we see Him.

Healing Through Grace

Matthew Fox has a major bone to pick with the Catholic Church. I have a major bone to pick with the New Age Movement he represents. Both of us are wrong. However, we are both human beings who hurt, have anger and who have a hard time letting go. Resentment feels like a rigid, ball-like mass in my stomach that pulls my energy strongly to it and seems to want to hold me eternally there. This mass in my stomach does not seem to desire God. All it seems to be able to say is, “I hurt. I hurt, and I'm pissed off, too. Listen to me and the many ways I can justify it.”

How can I pay attention to this pain without this ball controlling me? How can I move beyond this ball to desire God? It's louder right now than the “still, small voice” of God. As it's sapping my energy and demanding all my attention, it seems to say, “Come here, now! And don't bring your love with you!” I am baffled by how to approach it. I feel frustrated, not realizing the ball is trapping me when I'm caught unaware! I don't know what to do with this ball. I don't want to ignore it or push it away. As I contemplate, I'm already in it, mentally wondering, doubting, like a mother who just doesn't know what to do with her infant.

I back up in my awareness and see the mother perplexed with what to do with the baby. Damn it! My desires are trapped. My intention is to long for is purity of heart, yet I cannot even feel or reach the place of longing. Damn it! My desires are trapped. I have no clarity or peace.

I just finished reading a Christian Meditation: Experiencing the Presence of God by James Finley. This book was a soul-opener. The problem for me is that the last time my soul opened, I felt the sense of critical trauma. A former monk and present psychologist specializing in trauma, Finley writes about the soul's journey up a mountain to be with God, because he wants to rise above worldly things. But, on the way up, he hears a baby crying in the valley below. He returns to the village, abandoning his climb. In his union with this crying child, which represents the traumatized child in himself, he suddenly finds himself at the top of the mountain with God.

As I walk down from the mountain, anxiety grips me. Fear of “not loving right” paralyzes me. What does this confusing baby want? Does it long to be with me? I'm afraid it will trap me and swallow me whole. Why do I feel it isn't really a baby, but a demon? It's a mystery I don't understand. Why do I feel it wants to suck out my very soul?

Imagine the babe as stuck in a well. He fears the rescuer is as evil as the one who put him in the well, so he will not come out. It's the old “devil you know vs. the devil you don't.” The rescuer, too, is afraid of the child. Does it somehow have the power to pull him in with him as well? So, we have a standstill. Neither trusts the other. It doesn't matter how hard or how long we focus on love or compassion, the divide will not be resolved through the power of our will.

Both sides of the psyche must take a risk to become whole. It's not whether we desire to save or to be saved, it is salvation which we do not know. We don't know how to offer or accept it. We cannot bridge this impasse on our own. So, my understanding of this part of the message of Jesus is, “I'm giving my life for you. I believe you can trust that. It's obvious I am no threat.” The only solution to the dilemma of inner trust is to be receptive to grace. Grace is freely given. It cannot be earned through belief or non-belief. Receptive or no, grace shines through. But, if we are not receptive, we may not even recognize it. To be receptive to grace is to take a step into the unknown.

Matthew Fox is the author of The Coming of the Cosmic Christ. I will admit I have not read his work in depth. I have not desired to after reading the many articles posted on his website. Reading these has led me to lose interest in Matthew Fox's teachings. While that does not mean that he is wrong, I'd like to share about what I think is missing from them in the articles by him that I have read. I fear that his work, like a lot of New Age teachings, is devoid of the intention to develop purity of heart. Matthew Fox lauds the teaching of Ernest Holmes, author of the Science of Mind used in Religious Science churches. In these churches, an emphasis is placed on fulfilling the heart's desire for wealth, prosperity, and whatever else is believed by the petitioner to be a God-given right. From my viewpoint, not only are material things secondary to the desire for God, but to build these things in life takes patience. Patience is suffering. Hence, the word patient means, “he who suffers.” It's not about wanting what we want and now.

I want my heart to be pure with intent only for God. I don't even believe God can be reduced to the word, “love” because that word is so emotionally laden with egoic desires that the meaning of God's love is diluted. When love becomes whatever we want it to be, happiness becomes good and suffering becomes bad and should be avoided, which seems to reflect the attitude of many New Agers. Matthew Fox even says that focus upon Christ's death and suffering is a part of a “fascist piety of pain.” He goes on to poke fun of the Catholic practice of the Stations of the Cross, gazing at crucifixes and other such things. Matthew Fox has brought the teachings of great saints and mystics to the public. However, these very same saints were often ascetic and contemplated suffering. So, I wonder if he may be taking them out of context. The child and rescuer in my story were suffering. Will they not suffer anymore through the power of grace? Or will they continue to suffer until they learn, through grace, what they are meant to learn, before the suffering subsides?

Is suffering not a part of life that we are called to embrace? How can I find union with God if my desire is to avoid suffering? Did Christ avoid it? Did Christ not embrace it? Did Jesus desire his death on the cross? When we examine and weed out thought which causes suffering and is therefore bad to us, who is doing this sorting out? Is it suffering which we need to avoid or impure desire? Which is the greater obstacle to fulfillment?

Fox ties Buddhism and other religions in with his teaching. My understanding of both Buddhism and Christianity is that neither focus on the accumulation of wealth and prosperity. Neither Christianity nor Buddhism puts selfish desire above the desire to serve others. Neither Buddhism nor Christianity teaches the avoidance of suffering as the path to peace, yet New Age teachers will say that their work stems from the “heart of all religious traditions.” That is why the New Age heart no longer reflects my heart.

I have a deficit of understanding as to why Matthew Fox is so venomous in his attacks of the Catholic Church. He had a difference of opinion with them and was asked to move on. That difference was over “original sin,” which he claims does not exist. If a Catholic priest wanted to teach original sin at his “University of the Creation Spirituality” would Fox allow him to teach the opposite point of view? Probably not, because it just wouldn't fit. So, Fox didn't fit anymore. But why then should the Church change to his point of view?

Since they have not agreed to change their point of view, Fox writes angry and venomous things which “make them wrong.”He even posted “95 Theses” against the Catholic Church in the same place where Martin Luther once did. They didn't change for Martin Luther and they aren't going to change for him. Despite their many major foibles through the centuries, they are going to continue their pursuit for purity of heart regardless of what Fox has to say.

But, I cannot judge Matthew Fox. My heart is full of anger too. I feel misled by teachings such as his, that I feel took me far away from God instead of towards Him. Likewise, Fox feels the Church tried to stifle his free thought and creativity. Which of us are the most wounded? Does it really matter? We are both left with the task of inner reconciliation. How we heal is between us and God.

Recent Articles by Matthew Fox

The Contemplative Way website of James Finley

Welcome!

Welcome to my blog! This blog is the account of my journeys into spiritual growth and discovery. I've written other blogs, written books, made videos. etc. that reflect my disabilities and coping with them. Most notably, these projects were related to Bipolar and Asperger's Syndrome. This is not a blog about how I am different as much as a blog about my spiritual growth as a human being, not a primary discussion of my labels. It's a blog about the emerging real me :)